Okay so...This is random but it's been so long i been in there so i thought i'd talk about it here.  I've been sick for a long time.  Over 6 years now.  I'm on meds, Anti depressants.

Well since little my parents used to fight a lot over a lot of things.  I hated it...i even had nightmares on my birthday and christmas cause i knew it was gonna be hell since my parents ALWAYS fight on those days.  I grew up and my parents kept fighting. My dad would hit my mom and often drink to the point i had to leave house with mom and sis.  I hated it badly...then i started having nerves problems.  I would get mad often and break stuff...i never hurt anyone but i would get dangerous for myself. I would break stuff and wound myself and if no one stopped me i would hurt myself badly enough beyond healing.  I still have a collection of scars from the wounds i inflicted to myself since little.

At one point my mom decided to put me on antidepressants...and see a psychologue.  At first i took them it was very bad...I had a bad reaction with these meds..my heart would pump like no tomorrow and i would tremble.  i thought i was gonna die back then...heart was beating 200 beats/mins when i wasn't even running and it wouldn't calm down.  I had to stay a hospital to get checked...and see people die there...old people.  i was the youngest there.

Eventually i changed doc and he gave me a med that didn't give me that bad reaction.  My parents wanted to divorce but i didn't want them too.  My studies were affected by the meds and parents fight...it started going downwards from there.  The meds didn't stop my depression and insanity completely...or at all.

Years passed and i was stuck on computer...Pretty much a real no life i'd say.  I've a fear of going outside..meeting people and i get angry often.  My parents divorced now and my dad left.  Now years passed and i know one thing...I'm not the only one who's in this and there's a way out...but 6 years passed and i still haven't found the way out.

I do know there's other people who have it a lot worser than me.  But even then i can't seem to be happy...truely happy to live this life that was given to me.  Recently I've been trying to get out of this...i used to not even go to doc at all..my mom would go see doc instead of me and tell him about me..but now I'm going myself.  

My family is a big believer of God. But i don't have that support since i don't believe in him at all.  I want to stand on my own...and i won't expect any support from anything or anyone.  My life isn't as half as bad as u may think since i got a loving family...even though i got all this..i can't seem to be happy..

I'm not sure if it's cause I'm mental..or my own fault.  i just can't do this anymore...at times I'm high mood and then it drops down completely..it's unstable.  I've tried to get better a lot of times..but every time i fell..but I'm still trying to stand up again...

I'm tired of falling so I'm trying to push my way through now...do or die.  I'm pretty sure some of u may have gone through this before...so I'm here talking about it and ask for tips...and how u got out of it and how ur living ur life now.