Endless Paradigm

Okay so...This is random but it's been so long i been in there so i thought i'd talk about it here.  I've been sick for a long time.  Over 6 years now.  I'm on meds, Anti depressants.

Well since little my parents used to fight a lot over a lot of things.  I hated it...i even had nightmares on my birthday and christmas cause i knew it was gonna be hell since my parents ALWAYS fight on those days.  I grew up and my parents kept fighting. My dad would hit my mom and often drink to the point i had to leave house with mom and sis.  I hated it badly...then i started having nerves problems.  I would get mad often and break stuff...i never hurt anyone but i would get dangerous for myself. I would break stuff and wound myself and if no one stopped me i would hurt myself badly enough beyond healing.  I still have a collection of scars from the wounds i inflicted to myself since little.

At one point my mom decided to put me on antidepressants...and see a psychologue.  At first i took them it was very bad...I had a bad reaction with these meds..my heart would pump like no tomorrow and i would tremble.  i thought i was gonna die back then...heart was beating 200 beats/mins when i wasn't even running and it wouldn't calm down.  I had to stay a hospital to get checked...and see people die there...old people.  i was the youngest there.

Eventually i changed doc and he gave me a med that didn't give me that bad reaction.  My parents wanted to divorce but i didn't want them too.  My studies were affected by the meds and parents fight...it started going downwards from there.  The meds didn't stop my depression and insanity completely...or at all.

Years passed and i was stuck on computer...Pretty much a real no life i'd say.  I've a fear of going outside..meeting people and i get angry often.  My parents divorced now and my dad left.  Now years passed and i know one thing...I'm not the only one who's in this and there's a way out...but 6 years passed and i still haven't found the way out.

I do know there's other people who have it a lot worser than me.  But even then i can't seem to be happy...truely happy to live this life that was given to me.  Recently I've been trying to get out of this...i used to not even go to doc at all..my mom would go see doc instead of me and tell him about me..but now I'm going myself.  

My family is a big believer of God. But i don't have that support since i don't believe in him at all.  I want to stand on my own...and i won't expect any support from anything or anyone.  My life isn't as half as bad as u may think since i got a loving family...even though i got all this..i can't seem to be happy..

I'm not sure if it's cause I'm mental..or my own fault.  i just can't do this anymore...at times I'm high mood and then it drops down completely..it's unstable.  I've tried to get better a lot of times..but every time i fell..but I'm still trying to stand up again...

I'm tired of falling so I'm trying to push my way through now...do or die.  I'm pretty sure some of u may have gone through this before...so I'm here talking about it and ask for tips...and how u got out of it and how ur living ur life now.

Life is full of sorrow and despair, But it isn't the only thing that life has to offer.
Because behind all of those things there's happiness waiting to be triggered.

Your life isn't that bad,
Because even if your parents are divorced, It doesn't mean that they stop loving you as their child.

Try to be cheerful and pull yourself together.
Try to go outside and talk to some people, or talk to your friends about some animal p0.rn or something.
Because being sociable is a good thing in getting you out of that scene.

..

I have only two good friends but even then they don't have always time to visit me.  
Yes i do know my life isn't that bad but idk why i can't enjoy what i have.  
I've seen people with a lot worser than me living fine.  
I wanted to live normally like everyone else.
I'm not independent yet..I rely a bit too much on my mother at the moment.
You could say my parents used to be overprotective as well.

Ima pray for you dupain.

;D

If he does exist then maybe it'll help. But I'm going to try to get out by myself.

Not even reading that.

Grey Ghost Wrote: [ -> ]Not even reading that.

Have you no respect for others?

Yes yes, its a TL;DR moment but srsly?

Been there done that. It's a common issue among many families and teenagers across the world. All I can say is deal with it momentarily until you can move away.

I just have one thing to say, man:

Fall down six times.
Stand up seven.

You might have been dealt a poo poo hand in life, but play it through to the very end. You might turn the tables on your life, you might not. But the point is, you don't know what you'll get until you get there.
Take a gamble on life and live it to the end of your days. After all; in the game of life, you've got everything to win, and nothing to lose.

Silvertie Wrote: [ -> ]Fall down six times.
Stand up seven.

I like that quote.  Thanks for it.  I got to look at the bright side and never give up no matter how many times i failed.  I might be going to a rehabilitation center something next month or something.  Maybe that'll help.