well, im an undifferentiated schizophrenic. seriously, its in my medical records.
remember when i posted about cutting myself and then disappeared for like 2 months?
that's because i was institutionalized. they diagnosed me with severe chronic depression caused by undifferentiated schizophrenia.
but, i don't want to take meds for it, because im scared of what that would make me.

before you go off and be all like, "zomg hes crazy lol", listen to my symptoms are:

i do get hallucinations, but theyre not like "a beautiful mind" hallucinations. mine are purely auditory. i hear voices in my head which are not my own. more often than not, they are mundane conversations, or ill have discussions in my head with myself. but they take on very distinct characteristics. its interesting, to say the least.

as i am undifferentiated, i show signs of both paranoid and disorganized spectrums of schizophrenia. luckily, i don't show any symptoms of catatonic.

this means that i am also paranoid. i often have delusions that everyone is out to get me, or talking behind my back. this is part of what led to my depression. i ostracize myself, unwittingly. the worst part is, i am not aware that it is due to my paranoia. so i truly believe that everyone is against me.

the other symptom that i have is disorganized thinking and speech. when a schizophrenic exhibits this, its like ADD on cocaine. seriously. a lot of people have noticed, im sure that i cannot keep track of my thoughts and change the subject every couple minutes, and i can't complete sentences a lot or forget what im saying. this is why when i meet new people, im always quiet. its really embarrassing.



as it is, i sleep only about 4 hours a night, and am very lonely. the only thing i do to ever feel better about anything is smoke fudgetons of weed. hell, i just bought $140 worth just for this week.

apparently, my disorder has a huge part to play in this, as 50% of all schizophrenics have substance abuse problems.

you know what's funny? i found a link about schizophrenics that those of you who know me might find interesting: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizophrenia_and_smoking


as far as basic life goes, im working a dead-end job, failing out of school, and can't really see a future for myself.


but i gave myself a 4 because im in a good mood right now.


sorry for the tl;dr, ive just been dying to get this stuff off my chest.
*please don't judge me