(04/08/2010 06:19 PM)ZiNgA BuRgA Wrote:  What are your interests, by the way?

Are you talking about interests in life? Well I was doing engineering for three years before i realized that I have only been doing that so my father would have something to be proud of me for. Hes always put me down when I wanted to do something enjoyable in life.

I always just wanted to make him proud.

And since hes an engineer himself I thought you know if i did that then he would be proud of me.
but i couldn't hold the facade up much longer. I really hated the subject even though i understood the concepts. I just got tired of it.

And then I just snapped.

And i couldn't bring it upon myself to attend the engineering school that I had been attending.

So i decided to look into my other options. I never gave any other subjects a decent look over since, even in high school i was so dead set in going into engineering. I never realized that my other skills could have a better base on things.

I wanted to do music, but music is a hard thing to do since i didn't apply myself in high school i basically missed out on a bunch of opportunities and its basically too late for me.

but i have also always been a good listener and i always liked helping people. I never realized that helping people could be something i could use as a career.

So I came across 'Music Therapy' so maybe ill be a psyche major and see where that brings me. I haven't had this spark of inspiration for awhile so i am putting a lot of hopes in this subject. Hopefully i won't have to waste another 3 years before realizing what i want to do.

(04/08/2010 10:12 PM)Assassinator Wrote:  What's the cause?

So whenever a sore topic is said i sorta just snap and say things i don't mean and sure I'll apologize later for it, but it still eats me up for saying those things. My mom doesn't deserve it. (I have yet to tell my dad that I hate engineering) So my relationship with him is on a thread. One move and it just might break.

So what caused it was the topic of school, i just don't want to waste it again. And I snapped since I like to bottle everything up and when I do get mad. I get mad at the wrong person or I break things. People who don't who don't deserve just so happen to be there and i blow up.

(05/08/2010 01:18 AM)bloodangel619 Wrote:  oh I'm so glad you didn't commit suicide don't do that ever again that would make everything even worse than you could imagine honestly I've gone though the same things I've also even thought of committing suicide a hundred time and I always put the anger all in myself and then sometimes i go really crazy and a few time I've had a fight with my mum and dad and even smashed things around me, I totally feel how you are but if you just give yourself to these small looking problem's they'll just keep coming at you till they totally ruin you so just don't give in and try not to put every thing in yourself try to say what you want to when you have to (that's what I've been trying to do lately and I feel much better. I use to walk around the house for hours and just think of fighting with everyone and saying every thing I want to say to them but it just made me more angry) I also find that crying and also listening to some crazy metal music really cool's down my temper also try to be more with you gf and shes what you need now so don't worry god won't take her away from you now
wee all <3 you so please don't think of committing suicide again you'll just take away every single chance that you might have had to bring yourself back and god knows what's gonna be waiting for you after that all I know is that it ain't gonna easier than this fudgeing life so try to make yourself happy with every single good thing you have.

yeah my gf is the one who helps me through the day, she doesn't realize that what she does her presence and ever watchful eye is what stops me from killing myself. I guess its pretty bad if i put it that way but its true and im not about to start lying to myself just because of that.

I hurt her feelings today and right now I feel like spoon because of it. I told her to fudge off, twice really loud that i made her cry. And she isn't the type of person that likes to cry.

I felt like chocolate. But thank god that she knows that i don't mean it when i am angry and that she knows that i was raging.

But it still makes me feel like poo poo for putting her into that situation.


SO in lieu what has happened today, i am just going to trudge through the day with better vigor.