Endless Paradigm

Apparently I have anger problems since I like to fly off the handle all the time.

Its really detrimental to everything that's happening to me as of late.
Today was supposed to be a good day and I just blew up. I even started to contemplate suicide. I had the pills in hand and I probably downed 9 pills before I stopped myself. I know that Ill be fine and that I'll probably just throw up later. But the point is is that I sometimes forget to calm down and I always manage to rely on the negatives of everything.

Sometimes I think that I am not worth living. I thought I was on the road to recovery but methinks I am relapsing from the problems in my life.

I am not healthy. And thank some higher being that I ran out of my sleeping pills a couple days ago cause I would have downed those too. My sake I tried to OD on adderall and seroquel...i ran out of zoloft.

I wasn't thinking. My girlfriend shes helping me. but im afraid that if she leaves me that I might go into an worse mental state than I am. She is the only person who is keeping me sane and if she leaves I don't know what to do. she stopped me by texting me and telling me 'to grow some balls' lol so blunt but she helps me everyday.

Im depressed and im angry at the world and i don't know how to handle the smallest things anymore.

Is it bad that i am passive about things and hold in my anger and then proceed to get mad at the smallest things?

go to see a doctor, and do not play the blame game because that will incite anger within you.

Just try hard not to contemplate suicide again.

The repercussions of that are massive, it's not worth it when things can be put right.

wee <3 you man

and it takes guts to tell people, even internet people. it also helps to alleviate the problem, mentally.

i am seeing a doctor...unfortunately my therapist is on vacation for the next 3 weeks.... i don't see him till the 27th..

it helps that i am talking to my gf right now. shes calming me down. and i understand the repercussions of suicide. life is too valuable to just throw away. i know that. i just reacted without judgment.

ProperBritish Wrote: [ -> ]wee <3 you man

thanks propa needed that one

yeah man, wee may be just the internet, but wee're always here for our EP family. <3

I've gone through pretty much the same thing, and I can say that this definitely helped. But of course, talking to people is the best help, and wee're people. Wee won't judge you or anything, like irl people do, cause wee're awesome, and you're apart of that awesome.

What are your interests, by the way?

What's the cause?

oh I'm so glad you didn't commit suicide don't do that ever again that would make everything even worse than you could imagine honestly I've gone though the same things I've also even thought of committing suicide a hundred time and I always put the anger all in myself and then sometimes i go really crazy and a few time I've had a fight with my mum and dad and even smashed things around me, I totally feel how you are but if you just give yourself to these small looking problem's they'll just keep coming at you till they totally ruin you so just don't give in and try not to put every thing in yourself try to say what you want to when you have to (that's what I've been trying to do lately and I feel much better. I use to walk around the house for hours and just think of fighting with everyone and saying every thing I want to say to them but it just made me more angry) I also find that crying and also listening to some crazy metal music really cool's down my temper also try to be more with you gf and shes what you need now so don't worry god won't take her away from you now
wee all <3 you so please don't think of committing suicide again you'll just take away every single chance that you might have had to bring yourself back and god knows what's gonna be waiting for you after that all I know is that it ain't gonna easier than this fudgeing life so try to make yourself happy with every single good thing you have.

ZiNgA BuRgA Wrote: [ -> ]What are your interests, by the way?

Are you talking about interests in life? Well I was doing engineering for three years before i realized that I have only been doing that so my father would have something to be proud of me for. Hes always put me down when I wanted to do something enjoyable in life.

I always just wanted to make him proud.

And since hes an engineer himself I thought you know if i did that then he would be proud of me.
but i couldn't hold the facade up much longer. I really hated the subject even though i understood the concepts. I just got tired of it.

And then I just snapped.

And i couldn't bring it upon myself to attend the engineering school that I had been attending.

So i decided to look into my other options. I never gave any other subjects a decent look over since, even in high school i was so dead set in going into engineering. I never realized that my other skills could have a better base on things.

I wanted to do music, but music is a hard thing to do since i didn't apply myself in high school i basically missed out on a bunch of opportunities and its basically too late for me.

but i have also always been a good listener and i always liked helping people. I never realized that helping people could be something i could use as a career.

So I came across 'Music Therapy' so maybe ill be a psyche major and see where that brings me. I haven't had this spark of inspiration for awhile so i am putting a lot of hopes in this subject. Hopefully i won't have to waste another 3 years before realizing what i want to do.

Assassinator Wrote: [ -> ]What's the cause?

So whenever a sore topic is said i sorta just snap and say things i don't mean and sure I'll apologize later for it, but it still eats me up for saying those things. My mom doesn't deserve it. (I have yet to tell my dad that I hate engineering) So my relationship with him is on a thread. One move and it just might break.

So what caused it was the topic of school, i just don't want to waste it again. And I snapped since I like to bottle everything up and when I do get mad. I get mad at the wrong person or I break things. People who don't who don't deserve just so happen to be there and i blow up.

bloodangel619 Wrote: [ -> ]oh I'm so glad you didn't commit suicide don't do that ever again that would make everything even worse than you could imagine honestly I've gone though the same things I've also even thought of committing suicide a hundred time and I always put the anger all in myself and then sometimes i go really crazy and a few time I've had a fight with my mum and dad and even smashed things around me, I totally feel how you are but if you just give yourself to these small looking problem's they'll just keep coming at you till they totally ruin you so just don't give in and try not to put every thing in yourself try to say what you want to when you have to (that's what I've been trying to do lately and I feel much better. I use to walk around the house for hours and just think of fighting with everyone and saying every thing I want to say to them but it just made me more angry) I also find that crying and also listening to some crazy metal music really cool's down my temper also try to be more with you gf and shes what you need now so don't worry god won't take her away from you now
wee all <3 you so please don't think of committing suicide again you'll just take away every single chance that you might have had to bring yourself back and god knows what's gonna be waiting for you after that all I know is that it ain't gonna easier than this fudgeing life so try to make yourself happy with every single good thing you have.

yeah my gf is the one who helps me through the day, she doesn't realize that what she does her presence and ever watchful eye is what stops me from killing myself. I guess its pretty bad if i put it that way but its true and im not about to start lying to myself just because of that.

I hurt her feelings today and right now I feel like spoon because of it. I told her to fudge off, twice really loud that i made her cry. And she isn't the type of person that likes to cry.

I felt like chocolate. But thank god that she knows that i don't mean it when i am angry and that she knows that i was raging.

But it still makes me feel like poo poo for putting her into that situation.


SO in lieu what has happened today, i am just going to trudge through the day with better vigor.

LumpiaWarrior Wrote: [ -> ]

ZiNgA BuRgA Wrote: [ -> ]What are your interests, by the way?

Are you talking about interests in life? Well I was doing engineering for three years before i realized that I have only been doing that so my father would have something to be proud of me for. Hes always put me down when I wanted to do something enjoyable in life.

I always just wanted to make him proud.

And since hes an engineer himself I thought you know if i did that then he would be proud of me.
but i couldn't hold the facade up much longer. I really hated the subject even though i understood the concepts. I just got tired of it.

And then I just snapped.

And i couldn't bring it upon myself to attend the engineering school that I had been attending.

So i decided to look into my other options. I never gave any other subjects a decent look over since, even in high school i was so dead set in going into engineering. I never realized that my other skills could have a better base on things.

I wanted to do music, but music is a hard thing to do since i didn't apply myself in high school i basically missed out on a bunch of opportunities and its basically too late for me.

but i have also always been a good listener and i always liked helping people. I never realized that helping people could be something i could use as a career.

So I came across 'Music Therapy' so maybe ill be a psyche major and see where that brings me. I haven't had this spark of inspiration for awhile so i am putting a lot of hopes in this subject. Hopefully i won't have to waste another 3 years before realizing what i want to do.

UNBELIEVABLE!! that's just like me I didn't like engineering to much but I chose it just to make my dad proud of me because he studies agricultural engineering though he always dreamed of study mechanical engineering but he didn't get the grade he needed and so he always wanted me to become a mechanical engineer too but all I've ended up doing is fudgeing up his reputation I had 7 subjects this term and I only passed 3 of them and I even had to sleep in the hospital for 1 day to get a prescription to omit 2 of my subject, he had to speak with most of my teachers that were his friend and ruin his reputation to just get me some grades.

I really don't know what to do or who to blame myself, my dad or my mum and they have enough problems themselves they use to fight a lot and my chocolateting in the university is just making everything worse I really hate my university and the subject and just sitting in the classes drives me crazy but I don't know what to do I'm already term 5 and if I quite now I'll have to start all over again also I always loved playing the electric guitar but my parents didn't let me play and they sent me to play classic guitar. I gave it up after a year too and after begging them for years they finally agreed to buy me an electric guitar and I was 19 at that time so I don't know if its too late or not.
I really have the same problems I am frowning in the house all the time and I don't even have a gf to help me out sometimes. I even hate the country I'm in. I feel my life is getting wasted but all I know is that I'm not gonna give up not yet.

I've always been good at drawing and stuff like that but I haven't even ever gone to a painting class, though I'm not gone give up this summer I've been working a lot on my Photoshop skills and my guitar and I'm hoping that this might give me the key to get out of here I've been really feeling much better these days.

It so grate that you finally found something your good at just keep it up and I don't think its too late for you to start music it would even help you feel much better.

I'm really still confused about my life my self so I might not be able to help you that much but all I know is that wee've got to keep a hold of it a bit longer wee have to take our opportunities these decisions wee have to make are really really hard but wee'll have to try and find an answer to them and free ourselves!

Hey bloodangel, please don't take offense in this question, but is English your second or third language? I'm just wondering.