Mitch Hedberg Jokes

I went to a pizzeria, I ordered a slice of pizza, the fudgeer gave me the smallest slice possible. If the pizza was a pie chart for what people would do if they found a million dollars, the fudgeer gave me the "donate it to charity" slice. I would like to exchange this for the "keep it!"

I was in a casino, I was standing by the door, and a security guard came over and said "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table.

Whenever I walk, people try to hand me out flyers. And when someone tries to hand me out a flyer, it's kinda like they're saying "Here, you throw this away."

I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too

I like to wave at people I don't know. It's dangerous to wave to someone you don't know cause what if they don't have a hand? They think you're cocky. "Look what I got motherfudgeer! This thing is useful I'm gonna go pick something up!"

I like the American-Canadian border, 'cause if you're walking on the border with a friend, and you push your friend into Canada, he can't push you back right away, 'cause first he has to go through customs. "What brings you to Canada?":[Points to the side] "That asshole."

Source: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Mitch_Hedberg

(This post was last modified: 03/11/2007 08:05 PM by MoseZ.)

MoseZ Wrote:Chuck Norris...

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.

Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.

Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.

Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

When Chuck Norris falls in water, Chuck Norris doesn't get wet. Water gets Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris’ house has no doors, only walls that he walks through.

Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.

Chuck Norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

(This post was last modified: 03/11/2007 08:17 PM by Ge64.)

I'm glad someone else appreciates Chuck Norris jokes

Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick was once tapped for power and it proved to power Australia for 13 minutes and 27 seconds

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Chuck Norris Gave Jesus the gift of beard