Well this is just going to be a self centered rant, written to get attention I guess. It's my only blog and it's somewhat private in the sense that I don't have a huge following or anything like that.

I've been just in a state of depression because I realized of how weak of a person I am. There are many things I'm not and lots of things I tell myself that I am. Things like where I'm a coward because whenever I have a negative comment go my way, I'm shocked to respond. I'm moody because I take any jab at my character as insult. I have low self-esteem because these things hit me harder than it does to anyone. I'm easy prey for people who want to get a reaction out of me, and I give it. I'm stupid because I act before I think and I end up as the laughing stock/pathetic bumbling idiot that desperately tries to save face.

I keep telling myself that I'm calm, collected, and that I'm a guy that has a heart of gold. The reality is that I'm an obnoxious and dead-minded idiot that has such a low self-esteem that I find even the smallest things to insult my character and being. I do and say things that I cannot otherwise link to being an asshole until further on.

I'm a nobody that is desperately trying to think of myself as something. I avoid people because I tell myself that I can't deal with them, but when in reality they remind me of how pathetic I am.

I keep trying to save my image and over and over again I keep acting the way I don't want to be. Can't I control it? What stops me from being all the above? I can change can't I?

I never do and here I am, again, on a downer because I'm reminded that I'm no different.

I don't know what to say for myself anymore.

When it comes to self-esteem you've got to learn to be a little selfish Tetris. You're living your own life - fudge the world and what it thinks.

If you do what you believe is the right thing to do - which should always be what you naturally feel you should. You'll probably find that's not what others think you should do - and you need to overcome that pressure. When you can start doing that you can then start trusting yourself and this will help your self-esteem and confidence - two things you need to take on the world.

I'm speaking from the feelings of alienation - I've encountered it and still experience it but as time has gone on I've figured there's no harm allowing it so long as you know you're being honest with yourself in the way that you're being. You need to allow yourself to have some pride. You deserve to a lot more than I do. So chin up Tetris - you're better than the poo poo you must be feeling to talk in this way.

(This post was last modified: 22/07/2013 04:54 AM by Kana.)

Thanks guys, just posting to let you know I've read your replies (I just don't know how to respond really, things like "I'll do my best!" don't feel like an honest/thoughtful response), but thanks.

Hopefully I don't do too much of these rants. :P

(This post was last modified: 24/07/2013 07:12 PM by Tetris999.)

I'm probably a bit like you in some ways.
I probably take criticisms a bit too close to heart at times, and I often respond without thinking through things clearly.  After which I often reflect upon the incident for way longer than any normal person would.  Although in my case, I often don't blame myself :P
How you get out of these things depends on how your mind works.  I often try to think through things rationally; although a lot of these feelings are predominately emotional, I try to rationally reassure myself.
As you're quite the thoughtful person, one thing you might want to try is to envision how the other person thinks, like, really thinks from a rational perspective.  Some things to note:
- often people are quite tied up with their own problems to really care that much about yours
- yes they have their own problems and quirks too
- what they say about you is what they interpret from their very limited understanding of you; obviously, you know more about yourself than they do, so don't let what they say sway you because it's clearly a very narrow minded assessment and probably doesn't take all aspects of your character into consideration
- their opinion is theirs and not yours

Perhaps you can put a positive spin on all your actions.  Okay, you stuff up, but you're young and it's a good learning experience.  The stuff-up is just merely you trying something, finding that it doesn't work, and now planning another way to handle the situation (rinse and repeat).  This is how learning occurs and it's how you improve.
Try to think in the long term, where your aim is to be a more confident or respected person.  Remember that this aim is an eventual thing and is different to making sure your next interview (or whatever) is successful.


From your previous posts, I don't think this will be an easy transition for you.  So just take it in baby steps.  I believe you think things through rationally, so lay out a plan and keep reminding yourself of it.
Have all the bouts of self doubt or getting over emotional over trivial things, but remember that depression is where you get caught reminding yourself of the negative impacts of things.  Instead of that, just remind yourself that you're still trying to improve and that this is merely a step in the right direction.  You may feel lost emotionally, but you should be able to trust your reasoning to get you back on track.


One of the funny things is that generally, the more you know, the less you think you do.  Being self aware is a powerful ability that many people don't do right.  You just need to be able to control it and use it effectively :)

(21/07/2013 01:09 AM)Tetris999 Wrote:  I keep trying to save my image and over and over again I keep acting the way I don't want to be. Can't I control it? What stops me from being all the above? I can change can't I?

One other way to look at this is to think: "okay, so what exactly do I have to lose if I don't try to save my image?".
Kinda sounds nice in theory, but I don't think you'd be able to pull this one off easily.