Endless Paradigm

Well this is just going to be a self centered rant, written to get attention I guess. It's my only blog and it's somewhat private in the sense that I don't have a huge following or anything like that.

I've been just in a state of depression because I realized of how weak of a person I am. There are many things I'm not and lots of things I tell myself that I am. Things like where I'm a coward because whenever I have a negative comment go my way, I'm shocked to respond. I'm moody because I take any jab at my character as insult. I have low self-esteem because these things hit me harder than it does to anyone. I'm easy prey for people who want to get a reaction out of me, and I give it. I'm stupid because I act before I think and I end up as the laughing stock/pathetic bumbling idiot that desperately tries to save face.

I keep telling myself that I'm calm, collected, and that I'm a guy that has a heart of gold. The reality is that I'm an obnoxious and dead-minded idiot that has such a low self-esteem that I find even the smallest things to insult my character and being. I do and say things that I cannot otherwise link to being an asshole until further on.

I'm a nobody that is desperately trying to think of myself as something. I avoid people because I tell myself that I can't deal with them, but when in reality they remind me of how pathetic I am.

I keep trying to save my image and over and over again I keep acting the way I don't want to be. Can't I control it? What stops me from being all the above? I can change can't I?

I never do and here I am, again, on a downer because I'm reminded that I'm no different.

I don't know what to say for myself anymore.

Over-thinking does you no good either though, usually I find if im ever thinking similar to this is due to over-thinking things which makes matters worse.

From the conversations wee have had personally Tetris, and from how you are on EP overall, I can say you are a pretty cool guy and I believe that you do have a heart of gold.

Try not to be your own worst enemy and allow your own thoughts to snowball in your head which can lead to this type of thinking. All in my own opinion however.

Try just think of all the good things you got going for you to right? You are in Uni, getting a higher education (from memory you are trying to be a doctor?) etc Morally you are a good person etc and can be much more or a contribution to anything which is alot more than most general people can do and be.

Does any of this sound right? I don't even know how to give advice usually :p

When it comes to self-esteem you've got to learn to be a little selfish Tetris. You're living your own life - fudge the world and what it thinks.

If you do what you believe is the right thing to do - which should always be what you naturally feel you should. You'll probably find that's not what others think you should do - and you need to overcome that pressure. When you can start doing that you can then start trusting yourself and this will help your self-esteem and confidence - two things you need to take on the world.

I'm speaking from the feelings of alienation - I've encountered it and still experience it but as time has gone on I've figured there's no harm allowing it so long as you know you're being honest with yourself in the way that you're being. You need to allow yourself to have some pride. You deserve to a lot more than I do. So chin up Tetris - you're better than the poo poo you must be feeling to talk in this way.

i tend to do it too, get down when i hear chocolates about me, stuffs like "may be he IS right, may be the reason he said is why I'm -insert current average life problem here"
this is where the brain fails you, it gets creative, and somehow connect the chocolates you hear to your problems. and it create depression.

and now, is where the basic meaning of depressions fail me, and a while ago i heard the most perfect definition to it.
Here, lemme quote it.

Quote:And that's the most frustrating thing about depression. It isn't always something you can fight back against with hope. It isn't even something — it's nothing. And you can't combat nothing. You can't fill it up. You can't cover it. It's just there, pulling the meaning out of everything. That being the case, all the hopeful, proactive solutions start to sound completely insane in contrast to the scope of the problem.

It would be like having a bunch of dead fish, but no one around you will acknowledge that the fish are dead. Instead, they offer to help you look for the fish or try to help you figure out why they disappeared.

then i settled with "It's ok to be depressed"
the more time you spend being depressed, the more kind you can treat others.
may be it's not connected. but i felt like the time i get really depressed over a birthday of mine that no one remembered is the reason why i tried to help someone that i never would. ended up feeling pretty good about it.


i guess what I'm trying to say is.... it's alright dude, distract yourself from it. lose a little time doing something you would never would. spend all of your money, travel to a totally boring place, look up to the sky, sit down in a park alone, enjoy the wind, climb a tree, break a rule
something, anything dude.

you might solve your current depression, and might create some more (have no money for lunch on friday, have less time for homework) but all of these materialistic problems can be solved and will be solve easily, no matter how hard you think it is.

Thanks guys, just posting to let you know I've read your replies (I just don't know how to respond really, things like "I'll do my best!" don't feel like an honest/thoughtful response), but thanks.

Hopefully I don't do too much of these rants. :P

I'm probably a bit like you in some ways.
I probably take criticisms a bit too close to heart at times, and I often respond without thinking through things clearly.  After which I often reflect upon the incident for way longer than any normal person would.  Although in my case, I often don't blame myself :P
How you get out of these things depends on how your mind works.  I often try to think through things rationally; although a lot of these feelings are predominately emotional, I try to rationally reassure myself.
As you're quite the thoughtful person, one thing you might want to try is to envision how the other person thinks, like, really thinks from a rational perspective.  Some things to note:
- often people are quite tied up with their own problems to really care that much about yours
- yes they have their own problems and quirks too
- what they say about you is what they interpret from their very limited understanding of you; obviously, you know more about yourself than they do, so don't let what they say sway you because it's clearly a very narrow minded assessment and probably doesn't take all aspects of your character into consideration
- their opinion is theirs and not yours

Perhaps you can put a positive spin on all your actions.  Okay, you stuff up, but you're young and it's a good learning experience.  The stuff-up is just merely you trying something, finding that it doesn't work, and now planning another way to handle the situation (rinse and repeat).  This is how learning occurs and it's how you improve.
Try to think in the long term, where your aim is to be a more confident or respected person.  Remember that this aim is an eventual thing and is different to making sure your next interview (or whatever) is successful.


From your previous posts, I don't think this will be an easy transition for you.  So just take it in baby steps.  I believe you think things through rationally, so lay out a plan and keep reminding yourself of it.
Have all the bouts of self doubt or getting over emotional over trivial things, but remember that depression is where you get caught reminding yourself of the negative impacts of things.  Instead of that, just remind yourself that you're still trying to improve and that this is merely a step in the right direction.  You may feel lost emotionally, but you should be able to trust your reasoning to get you back on track.


One of the funny things is that generally, the more you know, the less you think you do.  Being self aware is a powerful ability that many people don't do right.  You just need to be able to control it and use it effectively :)

Tetris999 Wrote: [ -> ]I keep trying to save my image and over and over again I keep acting the way I don't want to be. Can't I control it? What stops me from being all the above? I can change can't I?

One other way to look at this is to think: "okay, so what exactly do I have to lose if I don't try to save my image?".
Kinda sounds nice in theory, but I don't think you'd be able to pull this one off easily.