Engrish Paper, Anyone want to proof read this for me or suggest changes for it?

engrish paper Wrote:Ryan Fenton-Garcia
Ms. Finder
English 11, Honors Per. 3
Tuesday, April 7, 2010
Walt Whitman

Walt Whitman was born on May, 31, 1819 to Walter Whitman and Louisa Van Velsor in West Hills, Long Island. Right before his fourth birthday, his family moved from West Hills to Brooklyn. The move was a result of Walt Whitman’s father seeking employment as a carpenter. Walt Whitman received a simple education for 6 years, but his mother taught him the importance of family values and his father taught him his liberal views and free thinking.

Because of his mother’s teachings, Walt Whitman became a family man after his father died. He ended school at age eleven and began working as an office boy. Because of his father’s teachings, as an office boy his employer and his employer’s son took a liking to him. They helped Whitman improve his handwriting and gave him a subscription to a library, so he could check out books. Whitman took a liking to reading Sir Walter Scott. It was shortly after all of this that Whitman changed jobs and started working at a Physician’s Office.

In the summer of 1831, Walt Whitman got a job at the Long Island Patriot. Walt Whitman was only 12 at the time.  The editor of the paper, once again shared Walt Whitman’s political views. Whitman was given the chance to write filler material for the paper.

In the summer of 1832, Walt Whitman worked for a man named Erastus Washington. Later, in autumn, he worked for Alden Spooner. Alden Spooner was the most successful printer in town at the time.

In 1834, Whitman’s family moved back to West Hills. Whitman chose to ...

I like it but I suggest you add more exciitement ya know? Make it fun and stuff

EDIT: I suggest you add some explosions and a nice number of swear words. It'll make it an EPIC paper

It's MLA format for an english class :/
I just want to get it done

Change "but his mother taught him the importance of family values and his father taught him his liberal views and free thinking." to "while his mother taught him the importance of family values and his father taught him his liberal views and free thinking.

Also, change "Because of his father’s teachings, as an office boy his employer and his employer’s son took a liking to him. They helped Whitman improve his handwriting and gave him a subscription to a library, so he could check out books."

The sentences feel a bit too long, and the first one has a misplaced modifier "his employer...". As a result, I really don't know what that sentence is supposed to mean. Because of his father's teachings, with his father being an office boy, teaching office boy things, or is it that Walt Whitman was the an office boy at the time, and he remembered his father's teachings of liberal views and free thinking? I really don't know, so try cleaning that sentence up a bit. Also, "so he could check out books" sounds so bland. Perhaps change it to "from which he'd have a wider variety of books to read."


Also, some of the paragraphs seem completely irrelevant, specifically:  

"In the summer of 1831, Walt Whitman got a job at the Long Island Patriot. Walt Whitman was only 12 at the time.  The editor of the paper, once again shared Walt Whitman’s political views. Whitman was given the chance to write filler material for the paper.

In the summer of 1832, Walt Whitman worked for a man named Erastus Washington. Later, in autumn, he worked for Alden Spooner. Alden Spooner was the most successful printer in town at the time. "



First, try to transition more into the next part of his life, rather than just going straight into it. You can transition a bit better by changing the start of the paragraph around just a bit. For example:

"In the summer of 1831, Walt Whitman got his first job at the Long Island Patriot at the age of twelve (always write out the number if it is a single syllable word, so change 6 in the first paragraph as well)".

Also, change

"The editor of the paper, once again shared Walt Whitman’s political views"
to
"The editor of the paper once again shared Walt Whitman’s political views"

Since "The editor of the paper" is all treated as one subject, it does not create a separate clause. I was stuck on this sentence for a few seconds because it sounds like Walt Whitman, who was a "once again shared" person, was the editor of the paper. Then "political views" just dangles, and I have to decipher it from there.

Also, where was it mentioned that a previous editor shared his political views at some point? If it isn't mentioned, then "once again" shouldn't be used. Otherwise it also kinda stops the flow of the essay.

Also, many English professors and teachers don't like changing between active and passive voice in the same paragraph unless it is absolutely necessary.
Try editing around.

Something like this is a bit better IMO:

"In the summer of 1831, Walt Whitman got his first job at the Long Island Patriot at the young age of twelve.  Because the paper's editor shared Walt Whitman’s political views, he was given the chance to write filler material for the paper."  Now, expand slightly more in order to give it a reason to be a lone paragraph.

"However, because (for whatever reason he stopped working at the Long Island Patriot), Walt Whitman next got a job under a man named Erastus Washington. Later, in autumn, he worked for Alden Spooner, a successful printer of the town ("at that time" isn't necessary since wee already established that Walt is now working under the man)."

Hope some of that helps!

I will incorporate it :)
our teacher gave us until friday