Hi everyone!  Remember us?  Wee were the boffins who brought you with the excellent Windoze Seal of Appeal idea and wee're back yet again!
Remember, at Clever Marketing Inc, wee inform you of clever marketing methods which are both low cost and effective, our motto being "It's because it's sooo clever!"

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Intro:
Today, wee talk about capital raising.  Oh yes, that boring subject.  Wee think it's boring too, but the fact of the matter is, every company, or individual, needs money to do anything.
BUT, it doesn't all have to be boring for everyone, in fact, this is a FUN way to get the money you need.

Abstract:
The only people who seem to engage in these typical capital raisings are boring individuals (including those working for random companies) who spend all day peering at shares and doing other worthless stuff.  Typically you'd spend heaps of time compiling some marketing poo poo to get these people to give you money.  Why the hell you'd want to deal with these guys, I don't know, but, it seems that a large portion of the potential market is ignored.

Our Solution:
Hardcore video gamers spend all day playing games and probably couldn't give a damn about watching stock prices.  Plus these guys are a lot easier to deal with than stock nerds, thus our solution targets these users.
These guys don't care about dividends, so to get them to buy your shares, you need to use more appealing incentives, such as the slogan:

B|_|y 1000 5|-|4r35 1|\| Pwnage Co. 4|\||) g3t 4 l1f3t1|\/|3 WoW 5|_|b5cr1pt10|\|!
(don't worry if you can't read the above - your target potential shareholders can and in fact, think that the above is "sexy")

To your potential shareholders, they get a lifetime subscription which is also easily sellable (never use the word "liquid"), and a reason to not have to bother to complain to their parents (who obviously spoil them) every month to top up the subscription.

This really saves you from having to do all sorts of boring stuff like exposing your company to the world (sometimes called a Prospectus), convincing the public that you aren't actually just going to pocket all the money or even bothering to keep your share price up (don't worry, wee don't know what the hell this poo poo is either).  Also saves you from annoying bankers and analysts bugging you all day.

Now you don't have to print a whole bunch of poo poo to get people interested.  Put your deal on the web (since they never leave their room anyway) and it obvious that you're giving away lifetime subscriptions (or new computers every year or whatever).  For legal reasons, you need to put the fact that the company has a high chance of failing, but this is hardly an issue, since these gamers are probably so used to clicking "I agree" on every ToS they see, that they won't even read it (much less comprehend it).


So there you have it - the perfect way to rip off millions from unsuspecting individuals to help fund whatever "project" you may be planning, or just for personal enjoyment.  Or as well like to put it, "pwn the pwners".

An Addition to Clever Marketing Inc - Strategy #3

To raise even more capital, include the words "Haruhi" in there somewhere (eg. Pwnage Haruhi Co.) You will attract another additional potential investor base, with it's own unique additional benefits.

One of the said additional benefits, is that you can sell each share for 3 times the share's actual face value! Your target investors, the Haruhi fans, readily pay up to that much more for Haruhi merchandise, so it'll also be very natural for them to pay the extra for your Haruhi shares. In fact, wee predict that you will actually sell MORE shares if you do that, because it gives your target investors a sense of security that your product is "genuine, and unlikely to be counterfeit" (translation for non Haruhi-ists: Safe, and low likelihood of bankruptcy) and of "good quality" (translation for non Haruhi-ists: Good potential for future growth).

Another benefit is that your investors are in an everlasting struggle to get the "biggest Haruhi collection possible" (translation for non Haruhi-ists: largest most diversified Haruhi share portfolio possible). So each time you issue shares under a new company name (Haruhi related), you'll get another new batch of investments, from your original investors.  This method, therefore, has the potential of generating near infinite capital, THE ultimate of all capital acquiring solutions!

Q: But "Haruhi" sounds stupid. I don't want to have that in my company's name.
A: Do not fret, recent studies show that "K-On" works too!

(This post was last modified: 26/08/2009 05:11 AM by Assassinator.)

I think it looks sexy 0_o

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