Pretty much every legendary/rare Pokemon is easy to catch in Black/White.  I've caught three already... :/

Also, the Pokemon league is ridiculously easy to beat.  I beat them all with just my Pignite.  I didn't have to switch Pokemon once :/

I'll take this opportunity to say just this; gambling is bad, mkay? It hurts your friends. It hurts your family. It hurts your community.
Now, time to spend everything I own on non-refundable currency...

Just as soon as I attain a special vessel for the holding of poker chips. Because apparently my hands and/or pockets aren't good enough.

No spoon, sherlock.

Yet another person on the recovery-road from gambling.

That's great! But what does it mean?

Huh... oh.
This sounds like a que~st...

---

One bike trip later,

Huh, yeah. A bag for a postcard, that's a fair deal, any day of the week.


Now I can hold
all these chips

Big baller shot caller

A slippery slope.


Yeeeeeeeeees!

---

But to make room for Psychic, wee'll need to remember to forget something...

He's so good, he can't even remember what he does. He must be hella contagious.


Staples!

Now wee have room for psychic!

---

Time to go exploring, seeing as I can't take the twins on right now.

This old man caught me with my hand in his pocket.

If I do this, he lets me off the hook.

---

Time to use a ball!

Haaaar no

I want a spheal, but not that badly. I remember the time I deliberately used a master ball on a bellsprout one time. Good times.

* laaaa, la la la la la la, Ka-ta-mari da-ma-shi~ do de do do *

---

Time to upskill Mr. Fish, specifically for that one move he missed way back when.


He's like this guy I know who knows the rules for numerous tabletop games (Warhammer 40k, etc.) inside out, it's kinda freaky.

Yesplease

How convenient, I had a rummage on the beach for some just before.

Because I have this habit of bringing rare materials to a collector for no particular reason, hey?

---

Time to sail the unnamed sea to the east of Hoenn's mainland.

Mine.


I can't fathom why I named him this. Oh, wait. CJ is "Ice cold, baby", according to big smoke in San Andreas. Ice cold = cool = tentacool. What a train of thought.

Hooray, more ocean.

Behold! The spawn of Ramirez!


Pacifidlog town, it's a fudgeing raft. Literally a one-building town, all it's got is one pokemon centre. Doesn't even have a pokemart.


Oh god, I feel so sorry for you, being born on this chocolateheap. At least I hailed from a decent town.


Oh, no pun. And here I was, raising my pressure level to over nine thousaaaaaaaand!

Oh, sounds fun. And not dildos, unlike this town raft.


Pussy.

Wimp.

While I haven't screencapped it, I've gained about ten levels on Staples and Mr Fish each, putting them at level 39-40.

Aaaall riiight. I have a date with some twins.

Looking sharp, guys. Level low-40's sharp.

Mildly! I can't remember how I was acting last update, so I'm making this uuuup!

What are you, a transmutated human made from parrots? (clap, whoosh)

Just psychic twins. I fudgeing love twins.

I FUCKING LOVE TWIIIIINS



I get the feeling that nobody talks to you two much, am I right?

---

Stop; Battle time, do do dodo dodo dodo

It's a fairly even fight; I have 4 combat-worthy minions, and they have four.
BUT MINE ARE BETTER.

What do you get when you cross a creature of clay with a creature that sprays water via. Hydro Pump?

That's two down. But Lunatone's suprisingly buff, he's been using Calm Mind a lot.

He falls to my double-teaming eventually. And by that, I mean that Staples throws balls of darkness at him while Mr. Fish sprays water like a sprinkler that's hooked up to a fire hose.

And that makes four. Fuck Solrock and his sunny-day-solarbeam bullchocolate.


Why do gym leaders act so suprised when I beat them? It's like the only person going through the whole badge thing is me, and everyone else just cheats and goes where they want.

---

Ooh ooh! Raise the roof! Ooh ooh! WITH MY MIIIIIND WHOARRRR

Why, because it's dangerous to go alone?

Lovely. It's like being given warm turds. In beautifully wrapped, airtight boxes, so it's a total suprise.

Aah, sunlight. Burns me. Because I'm so deep and underground. Why? Because...

BAM! Ha ha! Who's that handsome devil? 7/8ths hipster, who would have guessed that I'd make it this far?

Well, me, obviously. Now, where was I- Ah, yes. SPAAAAAAACE centre.

'The fudge?

OH GOD, They're actually going to go ahead and 'borrow' that fuel! Our glorious space race!

Come back here, you mother fudgeers!

Well, shoot. Another hostage situation.
This calls for being very sensitive and delicate, to avoid antagonizing the hostage takers into murdering their captives. Very delicate movements...

A BLOOGA BLOOGA WHOO AAAARRRRAAAAAAAGH AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMOTHERFUCKERSAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

See. Delicate.

What do you want fuel for, anyway? Hoenn has nocars. (Forever pedestrians)


Well, spoon, you just do things because people tell you? You don't stand up and ask, WHY?

Well. My Right Knuckles and Mr. PokeDollar both say you should let me pass. Who do you want to talk to first?


Atta boy.

---

It's a cunning trap, they must have known that the guy downstairs would do anything for a dollar.

'course, I love traps because they bring all the fighting TO me, as opposed to me having to go and pull it out of whatever hole it's hiding in.


Oh, come on. Two on one, baby, it's the only thing that'll do for me.



This isn't going to get rid of the boner I had from the twins, you know.
Did I not mention the boner induced by the twins? Oh, sorry. Here, boner, meet audience. Audience, boner.
"Sup audience."

Sequential defeats are indexes to suckage. Therefore, you all posess suckage, cubed. That's a chocolateload of suckage. You fail at failing to fail. Which just means Fail, and that's a fact.


As meatshields, yes. As glorious examples of TEAM MAGMA's martial might, not really.

You're too old to go to space, get over it.

Until you've seen spacecore, nobody truly wants to go to space. Nobody wants to go to space like he.

---

Look, is STEVEN, being beaten up by pussies.

That was your chance to dispel the perception I had of you, and you blew it. Pussy.


I suppose I could intervene and stop STEVEN going the way of Vegeta, but I like to be nosy first.

Hmph. You'll not ignore me.
STEEEVEN, THE MEAN MAN ISN'T GIVING ME THE ATTENTION I CRAVE FROM A FATHER FIGURE
Oh spoon. Did I say that out loud? I meant... uh... he's being an asshole?

I totally don't have daddy issues. It's a dad issue. Dead. Dead issue.
Moving on.



I wish people told me sensitive things just because I asked. I got slapped the other day for asking if a lady was pregnant with double-octuplets, or just morbidly obese. Sheesh, some people...

THE WHOLE LOT?!


STEVEN
GIVE THEM THE FUEL, MAN
I WANT TO SEE THIS

SEE? IT WILL BE SAVAGE
LET US HAVE IT, BRO

The savagicity of the idea is so staggering, STEVEN is pushed back a full 6 metres.
I guess he just can't handle the jandal.

Aawww, but I want to- the volcano-

...sigh. Fiiiine. I'll explode a mountain some other time. I want to see what evolving a wailmer in a small cave can do.

TEAM MAGMHURR

Wow, what a spoon lineup. Metal everywhere.

Oh man, STEVEN looks like a meatbun this close.

Zzzzap!

All I wanted was to have a quiet life, masturbating to gardevoir hershey kisses on the internet and having a dad that actually lived at home. But no. Spoon happened. And here wee are.




Hey; don't feel bad. When I'm in play, you can do little else but fail.



That is one hell of a leap. More land = bad =/= more ocean, dickbutt

STEVEN considers the retarded idea put in front of him, and strives to dismiss it as gently as possible.


More important than preparing to blow up a volcano? Daaamn, son.

Like Eco-terrorist, filthy communist, red ninjas, they vanish.



Yes! Booty call!
But he's a guy.
Doesn't matter! BOOTY CALL
But he's a guy!

I knew that!

---

SIGMUND IS HERE
REMOVE YOUR VESTMENTS AND SAY HELLO TO MY LONG AND SUPER FRIEND
THE SUPER ROD
ALSO, LOOK AT MY PENIS, IT IS LONG AND ERECT, IT WILL TEAR YOU INSIDE OUT


I know, I 'borrowed' everything not nailed down before. This stuff's all nailed down.



*snatch*

---

Time to go and use the new toy.

Oh god, when did she get my number?!


Bad acid?

The long and green, obviously. She's seen the long. Riiiight down here. Aw yee.


Whatever happened to saying "goodbye"?

TRIPLE BEAM, ALL THE WAAAAAAAAAY

"I'm back, baby."

Sorry. I have a thing for humanoid female fantasy creatures. Like Gardevoir and Mermaids.

This looks suspicious...

Ah ha!
In wee go!


Well, shoot. Look at that. Sootopolis city; now this, this is the hardest city to get to in all of Hoenn. Remember, you need DIVE to get here, and you get dive by getting the 2nd-hardest badge in the entire region!
The population must be so inbred.

Not just history. I'm going to sleep, too.

As Mr. Fish pulls me along under the water, I ponder something; how am I able to hold my breath like this?
I mean, really. I'm either already dead/drowning, or I'm a fudgeing wizard.

I think I'm a wizard.

Ah, another underwater cave! Suspicious and intruiging!

What the dicks is this? It's a... submarine!


SCUM

I SURFACE! Cue, slow-motion hair-shaking and excessive jiggle physics!

My catch for the Seafloor Cavern. I can't believe Zubat can survive down here, anyway.


Meh. This is a bit of a non-event, I'd say.

Aaaaah, strength puzzles, fudge
Dude Nukem isn't here, so I have to retreat... for now!
I SHALL RETURN

RETURNING

BREAKING

ENTERING

TRESPASSING ALL OVER YO' FACE, BITCH


They just don't make supervillains like they used to, man. I wish Team Rocket had decided to expand beyond Johto, then I'd have to fight cool villains.


That's what your mother said, heyoooooo

Sexual innuendo aside, the hell is this? Water conveyer belt puzzles? I thought I was beyond that sort of thing.

Ha! Eat spoon, water puzzle!

Hmm, I could either:
a) Solve the puzzle, avoid the goons
or
b) Fight the goons, avoid the puzzle.
I think... maybe... uh...

Oh, okay. b) it is.

But I meddle to live, and I live to meddle!


Whips and leather gimp suits, huh? I can dig it.

You on the other hand... you're an asshat.


But that is what pokemon were designed for! Meddling with things that are won't to be meddled with!

That's life, kiddo.

Oh, what - no, no, if the gimp's in this, then I want none of it.



That is what happens when I unzip my fly in anger; forced orgasms, everywhere.



Yeah, I'm amazing, I know. Feel free to jelly.

They didn't call me "The Gunshow" back in Kanto for nothing, you know.



Nothx. I think I'm good.

Time for this rambler to ramble on...

---

...right into a more complex strength puzzle.

Don't worry, I can solve this spoon with my eyes shut.

FUCK

There wee go. Better.

More cave-fog. I don't like cave fog.

Ah. Well, I'll hold onto this one; 'tis a dangerous weapon, but most things that it's devastating for either fly or float, negating it.

Whoa.

D'argh, rumbled.

Pirate captain ARCHIE, looking swag as usual.

Be honest. How many people you know meddle with your affairs and dastardly plans? Just me, I think.






I'll not walk the plank, you scurvy dog!

---

Avast! Pirates!


Why are you laughing?! Did you lace my last meal with a bomb? Poison?! Shuttle fuel?!

In more ways than one, but what does that have to do with anything?



Aw spoon

Ware legendary!

Hit the bloody deck!

Where did- I missed it.


Well, don't look at me. I hit the deck.


I'd check my emails on my pokenav, but I got no reception down here...




Danger, Danger! High Voltage!

Wee just released a god, boyo. Anything's possible.

Good call, cap'n.

No spoon, sherlock.

Well, it awakens, is that like half a success?


Truly, a question for the ages.

Oh, for fudge's sake. Here comes the pretty pony brigade.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you miss the FUCKING GIANT WATER THING THAT JUST CRASHED THROUGH THE CEILING?



Yeah, don't get all high and mighty with him!

That's true, I was there also.

That... probably not true.


Is it just me, or is ARCHIE a bit of a bitch?



Yeah, let's blow this popstinkle stand.

No, I'm sure the weather's just all fudgeed up on it's own.





I-


Then why are you being critical of him? You're an equally big fudgeup!




No! You are not the hero, I am! Me, Me ME!





And the duo vanish; to where, exactly, I don't know. I'd chase them, but...

Honestly. Just guess, would you?

Candidate for the Understatement of the year Award: STEVEN stone.

There was a heat wave?

Oh spoon, son. Global warming up in this bitch.



Heresy, probably. Filthy heretics.


That's like an open invitation.


And STEVEN flies away, leaving me stranded on a wet rock in the middle of the ocean. Bastard.

---

I arrive at Sootopolis to see this:

The big legendaries wee woke up, going head-to head and beating the spoon out of each other.
Naturally, it has a crowd of all 13 related people in Sootopolis.


This guy sounds easily impressed.

It's called "Headbanging", I hear it's the hip, cool thing to do.

They are friends, it's how they say "hello".



It sounds like an exaggerated version of the kind of weather Hawkes' Bay in NZ gets sometimes.

Nah, just a really funky high-pressure system.


Oh really? Sigmund laughs at the concept of "danger"!

KNOCK IT OFF, ASSHOLES
YOU'RE SCARING THE SQUISHY HUMANS
SERIOUSLY
STOP

Finally, someone who gets it.

---

Archie! I mean, ARCHIE! And MAXIE!


Hurr, I'm maxie, I release ancient pokemon from slumber and expect them to be weak, hurr

I think Kyogre's over the orb, man.

I'll leave you to it, champ. Keep wagglan that orb.



That's so useful, I think wee should write it down, and hide it beneath a stack of boring bits of paper, so wee don't have to talk about it any longer.



The only crisises I get involved with are the nanosuit and time varieties.


I hope he takes me with him, this time. I'm sick of other people leaving me behind.

That's more like it.

The rumored champion?

For the love of... I suppose I could help...

GODDAMN CAVE-FOG

Ahoy, faggy hat man. Where might I find WALLACE?

Oh, shucks...

Oh, spoon.
Sorry about the hat jibe, then. (He's still a meatbun, though)

Something liiiiike... championship?
Well. Many words later...


Well, if I was not so learned, I would guess Mt. Pyre or something stupid. But I know it is SKY PILLAR.


Alright, can your flying pokemon carry two pe-

FUCK-donkey

---

I must be the saltiest motherfudgeer east of Mauville, man, with all this surfing.

I'm going to bloody murder that poncy bastard.


How do you fail to notice that the person who is responsible for the saving of the entire region is not alongside you?!

At least you can't suck at that.

Lets.

Oh, you bastard. You're wimping out, aren't you?

Find out whether he actually wimps out or not in chapter 4!

So, when I last left you, WALLACE was being a little bitch and whining about the weather.


Does he run like a bitch? Roll 2D6, less than or equal to 4, he stays!


Moment of truuuuth...

And there it is. WALLACE, exiting stage left, quick as he can without soundling like a busta on the surface.

At least his faith is well-placed.

Sky pillar. As I enter the building, images assault my mind, of times long since passed, of what amounts to slow torture; pain was once had here, long ago. So much pain.

There's our catch...

And I'm NOOOOPEing out of there like a motherhugger. It just won't go down, and it's not worth sacrificing Magnets for.

This is too easy. The images before spake of a horrendously finicky puzzle, and I see nothing.

A subconcious urge to be on a bike surges through me, but I resist; why would I be on a bike, here?

A suprisingly trouble-free ascent. How about that.

Another aeons-old pokemon with terrifying power. I seem to be finding a lot of those, lately.


Am I really that terrifying?
Well, time to give chase; I think I know where it's headed.

---

My lord Raptor Jesus cometh! Praise B- oh, wait, it's just Rayquaza.

Someone has forgotten to turn off the anti-air defences... why does Sootopolis have those, anyway?

Rayquaza does his thing

And he flies off! Funky.

And here I am, just watching this spoon go down, like I usually do.



I think that was actually pretty handy; I didn't fancy trying my usual strategy of brute force on the weather itself. Mostly because it would be fruitless. I haven't met anyone who could punch the weather in the groin.

He's loopy, let's talk to ARCHIE.


Yes, after you silly dicks broke it.




And they vanish like phantasms, hopefully never to be seen again; If I do, it'll be too soon.

Ah, there you are; cowering away in your fancy hat like the bitch I know you are.



It had better be money. Why doesn't anybody reward anybody with money?


Great. Give me something I can't use. I need the Rain Badge for this, don't I?


I dream of a straight-forward gym where I can just go in, kick donkey, and go out.

---

It's this guy... again. I still haven't forgotten; as soon as I'm champion, I'll beat the spoon out of you with something. Probably magnets, he's no featherweight.

That's actually slightly helpful. I was expecting a ice-type or something.

But? I know there's a but.


Ugh, I hate thinking.

As I stomp my way around the ice, buttons are pressed beneath, and the stairs are revealed!
I'm really good at this whole puzzle thing!

Too easy!

That was so easy! I... I don't even.

There's my team, let's get to it.

What?

What WALLACE knows about pokemon would probably struggle to fill a small notebook. A mere half-page document regarding type advantages and things like "poison makes you lose hp (!)".


I imagine you would have doled out RAIN BADGES like free candy, then.

Yeah, I would too if my cabbage student fudgeed up the reputation of Sootopolis Gym.



You're not going to like my team, then, Juan.

---

I AM AWAKE, IT IS TIME TO BATTLE

RIGHT AS SOON AS I GET OVER WHAT THE FUCK HE IS WEARING
SERIOUSLY, IT'S WORSE THAN WHAT I AM WEARING. WHAT

I've just decided to screencap the death messages, seeing as I'm one-shotting most of these, anyway.

Whiscash could have been problematic; I vaguely recall that he has EARTHQUAKE or something equally bullchocolate; and Magnets is not a fan of EARTHQUAKEs.

By the way, Magnets didn't attack; I simply undid my fly and the penis did the rest.

Are you even trying, etc.

AW FUCK
That's a water/dragon mix, I'm no longer in posession of a type advantage!

Just... DIE... ALREADY

So. After about 15 rounds of me knocking kingdra down to critical health, only for Juan to pop a potion to heal him immediately after, Kingra started using Rest. And that's when I stepped in and slapped his spoon so hard, he's chilling with Team Rocket in the lower atmosphere.



That's me in a nutshell, I guess; barely contained, raw, unadulterated skill.

I don't think you can talk, you poncy bastard.

I'd rather not; I have standards, as low as they are, and I won't compromise them.


Damn straight, you busta.


Aw yeeeah.

Wee battled?

Huh. People I've never met giving me random things is always nice.

On my way out, I fell though the ice and found all thse people, trapped beneath.
Turns out they were all blinded by snow, and couldn't see the ladder out.

I AM HIPSTER SUPREME
I'M SO DEEP, I'M ON A FIRST-NAME-BASIS WITH ALL THE MERMAIDS
I'M SO UNDERGROUND, I SPEAK DIGLETT
I WEAR THICK GLASSES AND DRINK EXPENSIVE COFFEE WHILE I POST ON THE INTERNET FROM MY MAAAAA- sorry, MAAAAAAAAAA- fudge, I can't say it.
I'll just pose, instead.

Feces was so monetary.

I've been honing my senses, staring at this waterfall, deriving what it means to be hipster, with my 8 badges and such.
I'd tell you what I've leaned, but it's pretty deep, I don't think you could comprehend how deep it truly is.

The depth of my thought has allowed me to pass, and rise to the top of the cliff, hereby achieving counter-depth.
Truly, I am wise and deep beyond knowledge.


A fitting name and motto. But, I spy a problem;

This is even more of a ghost town than Oldale, and that only had two houses and a pokemart, and yet it is still called a city? Very counter-culture.

A quick heal is in order and- wait, who's that next to me?

Oh, it's scott, that douchebag.

I'm glad I could vindicate what must have been a very small amount of work on your part.


I see he's going to cheat and try to swindle me out of my fortune... or something.


Fuck that asshole, man. I am so going to deny his donkey when he tries to sponge off me when I'm rich and famous.

---

The final obstacle: Victory Road.

I wonder what I get to capture today.

everythingwentbetterthanexpected.jpg


Not much to say about it, really, other than that Douk is back, baby. He's here to throw rocks and use strength, and he's all out of rocks.


Oh yeeeeah. Time for a test drive...

JUMPING JEHOSOPHAT

As a plus, though, I've managed to train Ramirez II: Spawn of Ramirez.

Hopefully, he will out-perform his father and I won't have to bury another of the Ramirez line.

---

I am accosted!

Fuck yes, I am, holy spoon
You're supposed to be de- ah, I mean, back in verdanturf.



Time to shut this delusional liberal down like the delusional liberal that he is.

He's playing with a full set, but clearly, not a full deck, to challenge me so casually.


No prizes for guessing how I killed this one.

HNNGH, my one true weakness! I could never lift a finger against my beloved fap material! (Although I could lift a hand for, hur hur hur)

Mr. Fish tries it on, and makes little progress. Without my supreme guidance, he is as effective as a newborn babe.

Gardevoir switches out for a magneton, so I settle for blaze-kicking it to death.
I am not a subtle man, nor do I rustle my jimmies to magnets. (Even though they are fudgein' magic.)

I entrust the task of beating seven flavors of spoon out of my waifu to Magnets.

Her sexy mind tricks are only marginally effective against Magnets.

Dead. Good night, sweet gardevoir.

WALLY's delcatty contracts foot-to-face disease. A lethal strain, there was nothing wee could do.


Nah, I'd get weaker over time. OF COURSE.

---

Not if I have anything to say about it...

Remember the WINSTRATES? You know, the family that I raped and mur- I mean, had a pleasant lunch and discussion with?
I think this is the oldest brother they screamed the name of before they diiiiiiiiiiined. Yes. Because they scream the names of loved ones who are absent when they eat.


Ah. Well, wee can't have that... say, I saw a TM down this really steep cliff... yes, that cliff over the sharp rocks. No, it's not a trap.

It was a trap.
Now there's just a few obstacles left to blow past before I'm out of the damn cave. I'm sick of fudgeing zubats and Golbats.

There's the exit, but before I go...

No, I'm not being followed. That's good. With any luck, the bodies should remain hidden for quite a while yet.

aaaaand I'm back in goddamn Evergrande.

I'm going to spew if there was an easy way around the cave.