Now, where was I? Oh yes. I was going to kick Steven's donkey for choosing to lurk in a dark cave while I want to deliver a letter to him.
But before that, I should get some info.

This looks like the pl-

LACKS LOOK? What is this, some sort of meta-hipsterfaggotry which I am unaware of?



I should bloody well think so.

At this point, I have made a major alteration to the team; I can't be arsed babysitting Metroid any longer, so Bruce W will now take his place.



After a bit of faffing about with grinding and stuff, I'm ready to go and find STEVEN.


Fuck, it's dark. I suppose this is why I got the Knuckle badge and FLASH for.

Better.

One totally uneventful trek later, I find...


He sounds rich. Is he rich?


I'll take ten million, or twenty kilos of blow, or ten hookers/cheerleaders. Whichever's easier.

That doesn't look like cash, wenches or addictive drugs, STEVEN. Don't fudge me around.

You'd better run, bitch. I slap your spoon.

One disappointing reward later, I return to BRINEY.

Wait, I think I'm forgetting somethi-

SHIIIIIIIIIIIT HE SAILS FAST


Oh, hey. I figured I'd catch some sun while I was here. All these chairs and nobody in 'em. Although, the crazy people count in this area is insane.

Slateport City, gateway to paradise or something like that.

...Looks like the annual piracy convention is on, I'll have to come back later.

Stern's Shipyard? That's where these GOODS are supposed to go... as far as I can tell. The address label was a poor choice of place to wipe the excess off, it's crusted over and obfusicated the darn thing.

WHERE IS STERN, THE SIGN PROMISED THERE WOULD BE STERN
JUST GIVE ME STERN ALREADY, YOU... YOU... DOUBLE DOCK

YES GIVE ME STERRRN

STERRRRRRRRRN

THANK YOU FOR WASTING MY TIME, YOU FUCK

I WAS GOING TO DO THAT
DO YOU ENJOY MOONLIGHTING AS CAPTAIN OBVIOUS?

So, a quick nose about town throws up this pokemon fetishist's club.

The head fetishist is easy to find.


I was expecting a tirade about a pokemon (probably a Rapidash) at this point, and perhaps a voucher for some obscenely expensive thing which I could not buy normally.
But this was not the case.

I am suprised that there is a market for this sort of thing.

I think I'll hear what he has to say about Fargoth's name.
He's polite about it, but he think's it's spoon.

Okay old man, what you got?

...this is acceptable. I suppose there is a market for this.


Oh, look. The line is gone. Time to go in.

Shiiiit, fifty bucks? I hope there's rides or some spoon.

Oh, sorry. I don't have a pirate costume, but I'd love to attend.

Ah, the hostage-taking pirate. Nice to see that you're not dead.

He gives me another TM. Am I being scammed with all these worthess things? In the future, will I reward young boys with my endless stacks of accumulated junk called TMs?

Fair enough. I am pretty awesome and fear-inducing, you know.

I think the $50 was worth it, just for that.

How on earth did you get around those two ladies at the entrance? They're pretty sharp. They have total coverage, you can't sneak past. I should know, I tried.

Upstairs, I find...

STERRRRRRRRRRN
HERE IS YOUR THINGS, MIND THE STAINS AND SMELL

You want this box encrusted with- oh, you want the GOODS inside, right? Well, they're mine. Fuckheads.

PIRATEFAGS STATUS:
[ ] NOT TOLD
[ ] TOLD
[x] STONE TOLD STEVE AUSTIN

Uhoh, the captain's come up to hustle things along.

That is a spoon name. I feel bad for you.

How does one come to these conclusions? Are you a wizard?

Uniform does not make the supervillain, I can tell you that right now.

Long story short, thanks to my impressive penis-puppetry, I scare off the pirates.

I have something for you. Take it now before I change my mind.


Wa- guh. No cash reward? I risk my life to deliver this spoon and you don't even give me a tip?
Fuck this spoon, I'm never doing a courier job ever again.


YOU

MOTHERFUCKER


THAT WAS ME. NOW I FUCK YOU UP.

What is wrong with this man? He must be blind, deaf and stupid. Or from opposite-land.

Rot in hell, fudgehead.


Alright, new route, new slave.

Sounds like fun. Take it away, Joanna!

Zing!


I think Alphonse will be of more use than Bruce, so time to tag out, batman.



Oh jesus. How did you find me, BIRCH?
He asks me about MAY. I have no idea where that whore is, and I tell him so.


If she goes all the way down on me, she might earn my attention for five minutes.

Further up the road, I find this. This expains how Birch is such a wizard and can get from his lab to where I was in no time at all.


Sounds like a challenge to me.

Is dis sum big brother?

I knew it!



Before I can ask him something, he spirals up into the air and vanishes. He truly is tricky. I guess I'll take the challenge.

After cutting my way through suprisingly immovable, inflexible small saplings, I find the trick master again.


Try planting the trees a little more ahead of time in future, and nobody will ever reach you.


cashcashcashcashcashcashcash
It was a Rare Candy. I suppose uncommon sweets are okay, too. I still want cash, though.



He does his spiraling vanish trick again - I'll have to come back another day, test his inferior mettle once more.

And at this point, I closed up work. Quiet like a graveyard, it was.

I have work tomorrow, so I'll pick up where I left off then.

Now. Last time I left you lucky lot, I was staring at some grass underneath cycling road.

I've nothing better to do, so I'll just toddle on up the path-

My spider-sense is tingling. A battle soon. A tough one. Defeat is possible.

Gah! How the fudge did she beat me here?!


Wow. You're forward.

Once again, I think, Ramirez carries the team to ultimate victory, although her Marshtomp gave me a bit of a heart attack. Level 20 or so, and I have no grass-types or indeed, anything which might be super-effective against a water/ground combo. Only a team which is either neutral or weak to it's moves.
Luckily, I used Erhardt, gambled big, and instead of raping my spoon with water gun or muddy water or something, it used Bide. Seriously. Because Bide hangs up a pokemon for three turns effectively (including the turn it is started in) I was able to safely double-kick it to death.

Come on, sexual favor!

... I could do my usual joke about this not being [X], but that would be stale.

For a moment there, I thought you were getting a bit smarter. Apparently, I spoke too soon.

Let's not. Ever.

Alright, Mauville city! Town of... uh... I don't actually know what Mauville does. I think there's a casino or something. Town of hookers and blow?

House-barging time! I barge into a house, and...


Well, how about that?

I find it interesting how everyone in Hoenn who runs a store or something has a wierd name. "RYDEL", what mother would call her son that?


It's like being the owner of an outdoors shop and being called Hunter.

Yes. From a universe far, far away, where small monsters do not come out of tall grass to play.


What generosity! Back home in Kanto, bikes are worth like a million dollars or something.

Got to GO FAST
Now, in the pokemon center, I saw this strange man.

I listened. It was pretty spoon, to be fair.

Yes please.

So, this is what I have to work with? Disappointing.

I think it works. I wanted to have "BABIES" instead of pokemon, but I don't have a word like that. Perhaps I should have said "SMALL CHILDREN".

Outside the pogeymans GYM...

It's that sickly kid, being defiant and spoon.

I don't think he sees me.

I wonder if I can pick his pocket...

A little more...

Fuck! Hi, WALLY.

A bit sudden, but alright.

You realize that you just asked me to kick your spoon up and down the main street, right?

You are defeated. Not big suprise.

The rebellion is supressed! Hooray for me!

Not with people like you as my opponents, no.

That is true. Harden the fudge up and come back to me when I can't rape your spoon with Joanna in two turns.


I will come and bang any hot cousins WALLY might have.
WALLY and his UNCLE walked to the West, and that SCOTT guy showed up again.

This is creepy. Do you enjoy watching underaged boys, SCOTT?

Somewhat.

I was holding back, I wasn't even trying!

Oh, in that case, I beat his spoon mercilessly.

And he runs off, shouting HAH HA HUEH HUE and yelling BR? at people.


Mauville GYM! Yellow! Everywhere!

WATTSON? Electric-types? Oh good lord. If I had a name like that, I would train ground-types just to troll my parents and any challenging trainers.

This guy sounds like he's a couple of power-cells short of a battery-stack.

I'll not bore you with the details; I kicked the spoon out of his flunkies, and decided that I needed to beef up more, considering I have no type advantage, and it'll be a raw match of kicking his pokemon to death.

New route, new pokemon. Come at me, pokebros.


Lex Luthor will replace Joanna, as a grass-type which I will be training up to take on MAY's water/ground monster in the future.

Back to WATTSON.


Here's the team which will kick his donkey. (Except Ramirez, who, being a water/flying type, would get raped to buggery by one electric attack, so he will not participate.)

Supervillain?

Supervillain.

Foiling your evil plans, WATTSON!

Using my super-spy-fudge you.

You expect me to talk?

Uh... I kinda got caught up in the battle, and forgot to screencap any of it except the end. Upshot is, I either kicked or embered Wattson's bodyguard to death with Erhardt, while they paralyzed and generally trolled me with Shock Wave, an electric move which never misses.


YES! *zelda item aquisition music*
I am now another eighth more hipster, making me... three eighths hipster-er!


For once, a TM I actually like. Sadly, I have no electric types to teach this move to. Fate is cruel.


Verdanturf! A quiet town!

GEE, I WONDER IF WALLY IS IN HERE

For fudges sakes, I hate being right like this all the time.

Ha! I will stick my pocky in your eye every time wee meet, boy!
On a related note, his hot cousin is in the Rusturf Tunnel. Yes, I am now on the other side of it.

Charging power! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
As for me, I had to stop - earlier sessions of Wipeout Pulse had drained the battery, and I was on like 6%.
Tomorrow looks to be an opportunity to pokemon some more, as nothing seems set to happen. I might not play pokemon, though. Wipeout's pretty fun.