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DarkCloudAbove · 25/03/2010 09:05 AM

            Death always seems to be an option. Why does death always appear to me a one of the fudges in the road? Life has never been easy for me, well my adult life hasn’t. I was never prepared for life when I was young. I grew up with out the sense of money. I was unaware of the money situation. Money- it rules my life at the moment. Every decision I make involves money. "Do I want that? How much will it cost? Will I be able to pay my bills if I get this?” these are questions i face everyday. I try my hardest not concern myself with money, but it seems the harder I try, the more it seems to haunt me.

            I don’t know how to love. I have people that I know love and care for me. But for the life of me I don’t know how love back. My mind over analyzes everything. You may tell me something, and I will think why did he word it that way? What didn’t he say? What did he really mean? This has made it extremely difficult to be someone’s boyfriend. I can’t just let things go. I will play the same moment over and over in my head. Thinking what could have happened, what did happen, what was the result of it, and how it could have gone differently. Am I better off alone?

            Pain is apart of everyday life. Physically and mentally, well for me at least. My jaw is in constant pain, morning to night. I wish I could fix it, but I don’t have the money to do it. Then my back is also in constant pain. Their is no relief to my physical pain. The only thing that helps is to let my mind wonder off into nowhere, which is damn near impossible. The pain that strikes my heart has to be the most painful. It never leaves me. It feels like a dark rain cloud stays above at all times. I hardly ever feel happy. The only time I do feel happy is when im lying down with the girl of my dreams in my arms. While that dream had become reality, it is now fading back to a dream.

            I always feel alone. I can be in a room full of people and I will still feel as if I'm by myself. Maybe this has to do with when I need help nobody responds. I already realized that if I want something or need something to get done I will need to do it myself or just forget about it because it won't happen otherwise. When I’m really alone it is the hardest. I sometimes look through my phone contacts when i’m lonely in hopes of maybe seeing a name that might shine some light onto my darkness, but I never do.

            I am my own best friend. I am the only person I can talk to without fear of being judged. I constantly talk to myself whether it is in my head or out loud. Even now I am writing this as if I was speaking to myself. My mind is always there, it never leaves me.

            My girlfriend makes all my worries and woes just fade away. When i’m with her I feel no pain. I feel accepted as I am. She feels my heart with such a joy it’s indescribable. I never feel alone when I am with her. Sadly she lives nowhere near me, and when she leaves the pain hurts more. She used to spend the weekends with me, but that has ended. Now I see her once a week, if I’m lucky. Now it’s hard to be happy around her knowing I can only see her for a couple hours’ tops and then its back to being lonely.

            I often think of suicide. I think of how I would do it, the many different ways. I even think of the person who will have to handle me afterwards. When i’m in tremendous pain I think how death could ease the pain. When I think of love that I have lost I think of how death can ease the pain. I think to myself id never do such a thing but why does haunt me so? Death always seems to be an option.

This isn't a cry for help or anything. I just needed to get some things off my chest.
I'm thinking of documenting my thoughts and become a self proclaimed writer.
This is what I produced in my first sitting.
I understand the writing is a bit dark.
EDIT: dang after rereading this it's wayy dark.
Again this is just a vent, I think I'm mentally stable enough not to do anything stupid

S7* · 25/03/2010 09:37 AM

So are you documenting yourself? Anyway, this is what concerned me >>

DarkCloudAbove Wrote:Pain is apart of everyday life. Physically and mentally, well for me at least. My jaw is in constant pain, morning to night. I wish I could fix it, but I don’t have the money to do it. Then my back is also in constant pain. Their is no relief to my physical pain.

But then you say you're fine when you're with your girlfriend?

I'd favor it being mentally caused if it switches off like that - but you seem to have found out what the problem is because you mention you can't afford what it takes to fix it. I would say that the physical pain is what's making you feel displaced from society.. alone and depressed.

It's indeed a tricky situation if you can't afford to rectify it right now - but what you CAN do is use the time you have on your hands to work out how you can build the funds to fix the problem.

While you're at it - work out how important your girlfriend is to you. If she's as important as you make her out to be then you must do absolutely anything to spend as much time with her as possible. Just make sure she is willing to support you just as much as you should want to support her in whatever it is she wishes to achieve as well.

You have to push yourself to achieve what you want.. and you know you can - just do it.

Good Luck.

DarkCloudAbove · 25/03/2010 10:12 AM

@ senseito7

my physical pain never leaves me. But when I'm with her i forget about the pain. As for the emotional side, none of that matters when she's around. All that matters at that moment is her and making her as happy as she makes me. But when she's gone the happiness leaves with her.

Oh yes I'm documenting myself and how I view the world

thank you senseito you obviously put a bit of thought into your post.

SchmilK · 25/03/2010 10:22 AM

How did you find the void was the place to document your pain?

DarkCloudAbove · 25/03/2010 10:32 AM

@schmilk
It should be obvious.

The void found me.

I just know of endlessparadigm as a forum with unjudgemental community, or so I've heard.

Why do you ask?

S7* · 25/03/2010 11:59 AM

DarkCloudAbove Wrote:my physical pain never leaves me. But when I'm with her i forget about the pain. As for the emotional side, none of that matters when she's around. All that matters at that moment is her and making her as happy as she makes me. But when she's gone the happiness leaves with her.

It sounds like she means an awful lot to you.. and like said, to be able to be with her should be your greatest priority and you should do whatever you need to to achieve that - and be with her as much as you can.

I think it'll show her how much she means to you.

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