Oh man. I feel like there's some sort of parallel world out there, with another legendary trainer, only moving at a much more exaggerated pace than I.
Time to deliver Justice, I suppose.

The best way to deliver justice is by air. And the best way to do that is to FLY. And strike me down if Natu wasn't ready to evolve at time of catching; how about that.


Now I can jump from town to town without all the blasted running.

Feel the wind in your hair-hat-thing, the sun on your not-bicycle-lycra-covered-skin, the high-atmosphere bug-types in your teeth.

Time to go make a booty call of the posterior-kicking kind.

To come in, obviously. I wouldn't ask otherwise.

What do you know. ARCHIE, pirate captain and moonlighting submarine-jack. Like a lumberjack, but he cuts down submarines, not trees.
But, where?

Yes, I just asked you that. Where. Did. He. Go?

Well, I was kinda hoping you would. I mean, man; I was at your wedding, bro! I was your best man! Your kid calls me "Uncky Sig"!


So. It turns out that the AQUA guard doesn't have a kid, or indeed, a wife. Judging by his reaction, he hasn't even gotten to... uh... third base? I think that's the friendly sex stage. I wouldn't know, relationships that go beyond spontaneous sex with reporters isn't really my field of "Expertise".
Good thing I'm a crazy good guess at where submarines live. I did probe the hell out of some parts for one, after all.



Gabby wanders off, not paying me any attention. Either I managed to shellshock her that one time so hard, she's got PTSD, or she's done it so much that even the position I did isn't anything special.


You think that's hard? Try performing when your pocky's out.

But this is how I always look. Apparently, hairhats are in.


Well, I guess that old guy going on about a deep chasm wasn't fibbing.

Oh, not more ancient pokemon. I've already seen one... uh... today, I guess. It just occurred to me that the sun has never set since I arrived in Hoenn.

Uhoh.

Pirates!

Stealth Pirates!

Dawg, dem bitches be jackin' yo submersible, bro.

Oh, so not Stealth Pirates, then. Huh, that was dumb.

...

It's like Blue's Clues, all over again, jesus chris.

I could probe your skull for you, see if I can find a brain. (He's been told at least once, most people catch on faster than this.)

Sigh. It's like nobody can do anything without me. Next thing you know, I'll be getting HMs for helping old people find misplaced dentures or something.


Sigmund in da house, bizatches.

As the pirate-submarine-jack natters on, I note that he has already cut down the submarine and it is ready to be sailed.


I think that's an insult, assuming I'm on an intellectual level like MAY's. I am clearly sophicsitated.


An evil laugh, and off they sail.


Oh, please. Do keep up. They're doing something with an old pokemon.

You will never guess what's happening, then.

Agreed. With the intelligence of a grapefruit, you'd get cheesed. That's creaming, only it takes a lot longer.

Now, I think wee can go inside the base. If not, I will be serving knuckle sandwiches.

I arrive in the destination town.

Ah-ha! The goons, they are gone!

Infiltration reveals strange panels. Teleporters.
...
Suddenly, I am filled with an urge to sprint around, holding a handgun up to my nose and make grunting noises as I hump walls.

Fuck yeah, items. Love it.

That's no item, that's an Electrode! It could be mine...

Or not. It selfdestructed. Thankfully, baller is baller enough to endure such desperate tactics, but the Electrode is not.

Oh hoh hoh ho! What is this, the pirates have been holding out on me!

DOSH

Solid Snake got nothing on me.

Ah! Spotted! How?!


Well, I knew that... it is kind of the reason I'm here, after all.

Oh god...
Submarine Robot Boss Battle?!

I get the feeling that not everybody is really "into" fighting around here. Either that, or they make terrible excuses. "Oh, I lost because I let you." "Oh, I only had to hold you up." "Oh, I'm ablative shielding."

Oh, you lost it? Is it hiding amongst some electrodes, maybe?

You know, most ladies would do quite a bit to be chewed out by a man. Especially a pirate captain submarine-jack man.


Yes! I am Sigmund, full of suprises and unexpectedness!


How much of a cut? A shade better, or a whole different colour palette of better?

Tough words, big guy; But can you walk the walk as well as you talk the talk?

I suppose he has the chest for it.

Why a big man like AQUA ADMIN MATT is giggling like a girl, I have no idea.

Excuses! More excuses! Argh!

Oh, so that shadow was the submarine all along, huh?


I like how everyone just tells me things like where to go. It's like they're plans-being-foiled-masochists.


I'm not worried, I have a compass which points to my greatest desire in the world.


I leave MATT to his giggling fit... and leave him to put on ladies' underwear or whatever it is he does.

Time to set sail, for fail!

Oh wait, I don't want to fail. Set sail for nofail! There wee go.

Why do I want a tentacool, again?

Never mind, is dead.

Strange place to have a house, in the middle of the fudgeing ocean.



Pray tell, what kind of treasures?

Not for you, no.

What an oddball.

Ahh, mossdeep city. Land of- wait, I've definitely done this joke before. And that one, too. It's mossdeep city, home of the only bloody space program in the entire world.


In case wee've forgotten, Erhardt is a fighting type... so I guess he'll probably sit this one out.


AH AHAHAHA HA WHAT A LOSER



Is it War? Because, huh, if so, yeah, ab-so-lutely-nothing is the answer.

KINGS ROCKU? Yoink.

Oh god, it's spoon, isn't it?


I'm going to go and get this rock valued. In the meantime, I'll take a break.