Alright, arrived at Rustboro City. Land of opportunity. After a brief visit to the pokemon center, I engage in Hoenn's favourite past-time: Barging into people's houses uninvited and striking up conversations with the people within.

It pays off! This man, "The Cutter", is generous!

Profitable!

Sadly, the rest of the town is a bit of a bust - Nothing to see, do or beat the meat to. With that, wee move onward! To the GYM!

Oh, the suit next to the statue looks like he wants to talk to me. I shouldn't really deny a fan.

My "Nigerian Scam-O-Meter" is going off right now. I'm watching my credit card details very closely.
I ask him, "why do I need you? I will do battle, and attain hipster badges. That will make me the CHAMPION."

Hot tips like "Shoot the Cacodemon to kill it" hot tips? No thanks, I'll pass.
And with that parting riposte, I set out to lay waste to Roxanne's Bodyguards.

Crucial gaps in their staring-at-wall training technique leave them open to attack from the flanks, dividing their power and allowing me to one-shot both battles thanks to Ramirez.

At this point, I was interrupted. I was ready to challenge Roxanne, when a small pidgey darts in front of me, bearing a letter. It drops the letter, and with a squawk, flies out the main doors. Outside, I can see a young man's silohouette hop on top of the small bird, and the pair depart with speed. I read the note as follows:

Quote:Sigmund, be careful! Roxanne is not as soft as she looks. She has a Nosepass in reserve, waiting to ambush you with Rock Tomb.

It was signed, "One of your fans".
Well, I could ignore it and give it a go...

Or not. Time to run like a bitch, and go grind some more.

I could do with some reinforcements, a team of 4 is not really sounding like a good idea right now.

I wonder what useless pokemon I will get toda-

Oh spoon, an Abra. I get one shot at this. Better break out the great ball.

B-B-B-Balla'. You shall be known as...

Why? It's the nickname of my co-worker, who was watching me stump out a name. Silly man stapled his finger once, hence, staples.

This is sweet, but I need more teambros.

Encounter, ahoy!

A Whismur! Sounds like fun.

Excellent work, Fargoth.


A gender-appropriate name, for a pokemon caught with a name which is not gender-appropriate. I swear, I'll get it changed, Fargoth.

More grinding, slowly levelling up Staples and Erhardt.

What what what? Erhardt's evolving?

Fuck yeah, bipedal, fighting fire-chicken. This is the sign I needed from the gods, I shall take Roxanne down!


Alright, wench, I am prepared. The pokemon world ill needs a GYM leader such as you.

My team of noble slave-warriors, ready to do my bidding.

Never would'a guessed. Who knew?

Enough talk, have at you!

Know my seagull's water-squirting ability, floating armed rock!

Ha! Ramirez, carrying the team yet again!

Another one?

Taste the Sigmund's-ballsack-flavor of one-hit defeat, second floating rock!

Oh, look. The note was right!

Let's see if he knows face-to-foot style, see how he likes it.

Judging by the face he pulls, not at all. I will not bore you with the second round, which was more of the same, only, ending in DEATH.

Yes you did.

That wasn't all I recieved, hur hur hur.

I also got a TM, Rock Tomb, and some dosh.
What, did you expect me to commit some crass action against this fair lady? Fie on you!


And here I stand, triumphant, one-eighth more hipster than before, and marginally stronger. This would be an excellent time to save, turn off, and sleep, so I did so.