Alright, so where was I? Ah yes, I had just stuck my pocky in Roxanne's eye honorably defeated Roxanne in single-pokemon combat.

Oh, what's this?

The man looks like he's up to no good, causing trouble in the neighbourhood.


I should probably help this man... after I heal up.

One healing later, I find that exec from the forest, waiting for me... well. more like he was just staring east for no particular reason.


Not this spoon again.

Eastward, ho!


The trail is warm.


Having agitated some of the pokemon in the past, I can safely say that causing an UPROAR is not good for the health. Some of those things are pretty tank.

ARE YOU THE- no, wait. You don't look like a pirate. What's up old man?

It's like I'm really a detective! But in all seriousness, that's terrible. Did he do something bad? Did he touch you in a bad place? He did, didn't he!

Oh, okay. A kidnapping/hostage situation is always good. Did I mention how amazing I am at hostage negotiation? Ah, the hostages all died, but I killed the hostage takers, so that's okay.


LET THE POKEMON GO, AND NOBODY GETS HURT. (I'm lying, I will have my pokemon beat the spoon out of him when he loses the hostage)

Sounds like a challenge to me!

What are you doing, you silly pirate? This is dry land, you are a pirate! You don't even belong!

Oh, this is nice, the hostage isn't dead yet. Usually when I get to this point, the hostage taker is hiding behind a brainless corpse.

Wait a minute, I might be able to maintain my record of dead hostages, he seems desperate.

Nope, the hostage lives and I skip straight to the spoon-beating stage. (Note to self: Finish the hostage off, blame the thug)

Not even time to flail my penis about even a little bit.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH


You're right. You're in a misty cave with a teenager who has his pocky out, ready to flail. Wee're getting dangerously close to internet webcam chatrooms, here.

Again, you are now in a cave with a man who has his pocky out for no particular reason. This falls under the purview of "not as planned", generally.

With my spare hand, I retrieve the DEVON GOODS from the man, who makes a hasty escape. Exposing the DEVON GOODS to the penis test reveals them to be a box, probably filled with spare parts for something. I would probe further, but the old man enters the cave, and so I should put it away.

Oh, damn. I was so caught up in probing the box that I forgot to waste the hostage. Oh well.

Fed up, and strangely aroused. I might need to probe the DEVON GOODS later and in more detail.

I'll remember that. But know this, BRINEY, chances are that it will involve my penis, and unwanted/unwarranted insertion and/or probing of strange things.


It's nice to see this man enjoying himself.

Well, the thug put a couple of holes in it, and made these damp stains, but otherwise, it appears to be fine.

Oh, shucks.

I've given up all hope of getting a cash reward out of this tightwad. I save his job, not once, but TWICE, and all I get is balls.

Plot leap! Mysterious teleport!

Amazing.

He means the DEVON GOODS, I think. This is okay with me, it just means more time for me to, ah, analyze the GOODS. Yes.

Uhoh. Has my ungentlemanly conduct been revealed?

Hello. It was not me, I don't know how those holes and that white crusty stuff got there.

Yes. Cash reward?

This does not sound like a cash reward, unless the favor is to accept ten million... I don't even know what the currency is. Pokemoney? Pounds? Euro?

Well, delivering. Can't vouch for how many holes there will be in it.

Sure. I don't need to penis-test this to know it's just paper.

Now you're just blowing smoke up your own donkey, man.

Were my harsh words too soon? Cash reward?

I have mixed feelings about this. I know it's probably worth assloads of dosh, but... I'd rather have the money, frankly.

...yeeees? A key to vault containing riches untold?

... in the form of a key to the afore-mentioned vault?

I don't get it. Is this a clue to the hidden treasure?

It was not, by the way.
As I departed the building in a mild rage, a nerd stopped me.

Cool story, poindexter. Out of my way, or I shall have to beat you down with my impressive and oft-referred-to penis.

I will belay the penis-whaling for now. But work fast.

So now my GPS is a cellphone? Cool, I suppose. You escape the penis-beating today, nerd.


Ohhh, noooo. The ditz. I tried to sneak past her, but... gah. The DEVON GOODS rattled too loudly, perhaps removing the styrofoam framing inside to experiment with was a bad idea.

It's like talking to a retarded person.

My patience wears thin, and my penis is still itching to beat something into the dirt.

I want your money, and I have anger issues to work out. Sure.



one...

and two. Done.

I'm also a pretty good trainer.


Really? I thought the name BRINEY was just a coincidence. Fascinating.

Well, time to ditch this one-horse town, and go see BRINEY. I guess I'll call in my favor to sail to Dewford island and Slateport.

Nothing of interest while travelling, which is a shame. I enter, and explain the situation to BRINEY.

Is there a problem, old man? I can whip my fly down in no time to beat you soundly, if need be.

Good. Let's go.



FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK, THIS BOAT IS FAST


Jesus christ, I'm going to be sick. How the fudge did you become a sailor?
In any case, I am now in Dewford, land of opportunity! (Wait, that was Rustboro. How about island of opportunity? That sounds fine.)
I will deliver this letter, and then I shall deliver the DEVON GOODS. I should do that soon, I don't think doing what I'm doing to the DEVON GOODS is so healthy, I might go blind or something.

Alright, so a quick search of the town turns up Steven-less. So, he's probably hiding in a cave or some bullchocolate.

I pray this is not an omen of impending retardation.

Cave, ahoy! Time to catch something, and then talk to this miner/hiker/whatever.

I could do worse, I suppose - but I could do better, too.

Not even trying.

Why? Because he's a goddamn bat, man! (har har, see what I did there? I'm so witty.)
Anyway, the man is arbitarily generous, he gives me another HM, FLASH.

My pokemon can expose private parts to blind people, now!

Or not. Thanks for chocolateting all over my plan, miner dude.
Alright, let's go kick some donkey.


This looks like the place.

Alright, here I go-

Who turned out the fudgeing lights?

Was it yo- oh, wait, you're that not-very-helpful guy.

Oh, alright, I thought his game was water-types. Perhaps you're not so useless after al-

I retract that statement.


Hey, look! Beating people into the ground increases my sphere of ignorance!

Those feet look dangerous, I'll leave them be for now.

Ha! Take that, you flat-chested whore!

What? Oh godohgodohgod

Fuck yeah, a psychic! I hear that fighting types don't like masters of mindfudgeery much.

Double the donkey-kicking, double the sphere-growth.



Alright, a quick heal, and I'm ready to take on BRAWLY.

I AM SIGMUND, NOT A GYM LEADER, BUT MY DAD IS

I like this man, he's all about bidness.

First up to die, a Machop. I wish I had a machop.

Let's see how he likes my pokemon's ability to mess with his mind.

Ouch. Not much of a thinker, was he?

Oddly enough, I think Meditites are part psychic, so Ramirez will have to handle this one.

I AM FLAPPING MY WINGS AT YOU, DIE NOW

Long story short, it doesn't die, and tries this on the next turn.

I don't even want to know what it was charging up for, but it can't use it now.
Next up, Makuhita.

THERE IS NO SPOON, MOTHERFUCKER

This pleases me.
And with that, he is out of pokemans.

I stand, victorious, over the bodies of his dead pokemon. He must reward me accordingly.


Fabulous - a license to whip it out in public.

And there wee are. Now a whole quarter hipster, and...

Check it. Flawless victory, not a scratch on me. I'm pretty pleased about that.