wee've all seen them. now it's time to share 'em
any made up by you are welcome
here's one to get started
how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck chuck norris?
there's already a thread on this somewhere but anyway, why not!
JFK wasn't shot. Chuck norris caught the bullet in his beard and JFK's head simply exloded in awe.
Chuck norris can slam a revolving door.
#0000
Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to
April 2nd. No one fools Chuck Norris.
#0001
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent
of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever
the fudge he wants.
#0002
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are
now The Islands.
#0003
Some kids piss their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can
piss his name into concrete.
#0004
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never
cried.
#0005
Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
#0006
Chuck Norris was originally cast as the main character
in 24, but was replaced by the producers when he managed
to kill every terrorist and save the day in 12 minutes
and 37 seconds.
#0007
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
#0008
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
#0009
Once, while having sex in a tractor-trailer, part of
Chuck Norris' sperm escaped and got into the engine.
Wee now know this truck as Optimus Prime.
#0010
If you spell Chuck Norris wrong on Google it doesn't
say, "Did you mean Chuck Norris?" It simply replies,
"Run while you still have the chance."
#0011
Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time.
It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite
him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly
card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from
the game Uno.
#0012
Chuck Norris once won a game of Connect Four in 3 moves.
#0013
Chuck Norris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
#0014
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
#0015
On a high school math test, Chuck Norris put down
"Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+
on the test because Chuck Norris solves all his problems
with Violence.
#0016
Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper
can't get up the courage to tell him.
#0017
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks
his closet for Chuck Norris.
#0018
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris' leg. After five days of
excruciating pain, the cobra died.
#0019
Chuck Norris can delete the Recycling Bin.
#0020
Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting
implies the possibility of failure. Chuck Norris goes
killing.
#0021
Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
#0022
Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
#0023
Giraffes were created when Chuck Norris uppercutted
a horse.
#0024
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels
like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's
fudgeing beef.
#0025
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.
#0026
If you play Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven"
backwards, you will hear Chuck Norris banging your
sister.
#0027
Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because
Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is
afraid of Chuck Norris.
#0028
When Chuck Norris gives you the finger, he's telling
you how many seconds you have left to live.
#0029
Chuck Norris secretly sleeps with every woman in the
world once a month. They bleed for a week as a result.
#0030
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged
good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly
after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse
kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back.
The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and
admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play
poker every second Wednesday of the month.
#0031
Chuck Norris doesn't have hair on his testicles, because
hair does not grow on steel.
#0032
Chuck Norris' dog is trained to pick up his own poop
because Chuck Norris will not take spoon from anyone.
#0033
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
#0034
Chuck Norris doesn't pop his collar, his shirts just get
erections when they touch his body.
#0035
The best part of waking up is not Folgers in your cup,
but knowing that Chuck Norris didn't kill you in your
sleep.
#0036
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and
was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show
consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting
for the wheel to stop.
#0037
Chuck Norris is always on top during sex because Chuck
Norris never fudges up.
#0038
Chuck Norris is the only person on the planet that can
kick you in the back of the face.
#0039
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people
faster than Death can process them.
#0040
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris' PC
will crash.
#0041
Chuck Norris has to maintain a concealed weapon license
in all 50 states in order to legally wear pants.
#0042
Chuck Norris can build a snowman out of rain.
#0043
Chuck Norris plays russian roulette with a fully loded
revolver... and wins.
#0044
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung
like Chuck Norris.
#0045
Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time.
And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean
"babies".
#0046
Chuck Norris can strangle you with a cordless phone.
#0047
The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they
have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
#0048
Chuck Norris was once charged with three attempted
murdered in Boulder County, but the Judge quickly dropped
the charges because Chuck Norris does not "attempt"
murder.
#0049
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
#0050
Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do
with ancestry, the man ate a fudgeing Jeep.
#0051
Chuck Norris never retreats, he just attacks in the
opposite direction.
#0052
Chuck Norris once punched a man in the soul.
#0053
Chuck Norris once bowled a 300. Without a ball. He wasn't
even in a bowling alley.
#0054
M.C. Hammer learned the hard way that Chuck Norris can
touch this.
#0055
It is considered a great accomplishment to go down
Niagara Falls in a wooden barrel. Chuck Norris can go up
Niagara Falls in a cardboard box.
#0056
Chuck Norris can drown a fish.
#0057
When Chuck Norris enters a room, he doesn't turn the
lights on, he turns the dark off.
#0058
When Chuck Norris looks in a mirror the mirror shatters,
because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between
Chuck Norris and Chuck Norris.
#0059
Chuck Norris doesn't need a miracle in order to split the
ocean. He just walks in and the water gets the fudge out
of the way.
#0060
Rosa Parks refused to get out of her seat because she
was saving it for Chuck Norris.
#0061
A rogue squirrel once challenged Chuck Norris to a nut
hunt around the park. Before beginning, Chuck simply
dropped his pants, instantly killing the squirrel and 3
small children. Chuck knows you can't find bigger,
better nuts than that.
#0062
Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says,
"Now."
#0063
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck
Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
#0064
Chuck Norris once had a heart attack; his heart lost.
#0065
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but Jack still couldn't
dodge Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick.
#0066
A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot
is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a
warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that
you will be handicapped if you park there.
#0067
Chuck Norris can create a rock so heavy that even he
can't lift it. And then he lifts it anyways, just to
show you who the fudge Chuck Norris is.
#0068
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
#0069
Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the
makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is
actually the trademark for his penis.
#0070
The last digit of pi is Chuck Norris. He is the end of
all things.
#0071
Chuck Norris was originally offered the role as Frodo in
Lord of the Rings. He declined because, "Only a pussy
would need three movies to destroy a piece of jewelery."
#0072
The phrase, "You are what you eat" cannot be true based
on the amount of pussy Chuck Norris eats.
#0073
Chuck Norris can make a paraplegic run for his life.
#0074
The only time Chuck Norris was wrong was when he thought
he had made a mistake.
#0075
Pinatas were made in an attempt to get Chuck Norris to
stop kicking the people of Mexico. Sadly this backfired,
as all it has resulted in is Chuck Norris now looking
for candy after he kicks his victims.
#0076
Chuck Norris can tie his shoes with his feet.
#0077
When God said, "Let there be light", Chuck Norris said,
"say please."
#0078
Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows
where you will die.
#0079
The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's
fist.
#0080
Chuck Norris once had an erection while lying face down
and struck oil.
#0081
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and
Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
#0082
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you
can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away
from death.
#0083
Upon hearing that his good friend, Lance Armstrong, lost
his testicles to cancer, Chuck Norris donated one of his
to Lance. With just one of Chuck's nuts, Lance was able
to win the Tour De France seven times. By the way,
Chuck still has two testicles; either he was able to
produce a new one simply by flexing, or he had three
to begin with. No one knows for sure.
#0084
Chuck Norris doesn't play "hide-and-seek." He plays
"hide-and-pray-I-don't-find-you."
#0085
Chuck Norris used to beat the spoon out of his shadow
because it was following to close. It now stands a safe
30 feet behind him.
#0086
Before Chuck Norris was born, the martial arts weapons
with two pieces of wood connected by a chain were called
NunBarrys. No one ever did find out what happened to
Barry.
#0087
Chuck Norris cannot predict the future; the future just
better fudgeing do what Chuck Norris says.
#0088
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse
kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been
recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has
ever made.
#0089
The saddest moment for a child is not when he learns
Santa Claus isn't real, it's when he learns Chuck
Norris is.
#0090
Most men are okay with their wives fantasizing about
Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same
thing.
#0091
Chuck Norris once finished "The Song that Never Ends".
#0092
Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
#0093
The only reason Chuck Norris didn't win an Oscar for his
performance in "Sidekicks" is because nobody in their
right mind would willingly give Chuck Norris a blunt
metal object. That's just suicide.
#0094
Wee all know the magic word is please. As in the
sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris
doesn't believe in magic.
#0095
The most honorable way of dying is taking a bullet for
Chuck Norris. This amuses Chuck Norris because he is
bulletproof.
#0096
The grass is always greener on the other side, unless
Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is
most likely soaked in blood and tears.
#0097
Chuck Norris is the only person that can punch a cyclops
between the eye.
#0098
Chuck Norris keeps his ID on the bottom of his right
foot. Nobody ever asks him for his ID.
#END
I Have some in German if anyone wants?
lol what else can chuck norris do :tongue:
Sell work out equipment ?
Chuck Norris Invented the Cesarean Section when he Round-House-Kicked his way out of his mothers whomb!
^that's my favorite^
when chuck norris swims in the sea, chuck norris dosnt get wet, the sea gets chucknorrised