What do venom-spouting buffoons, insolent lounge lizards, and Jesus Christ have in common? If you answered, "They all lead people towards iniquity and sin," then pat yourself on the back. What follows is a set of observations I have made about heinous pseudo-intellectuals. According to him, the Universe belongs to him by right. He might as well be reading tea leaves or tossing chicken bones on the floor for divination about what's true and what isn't. Maybe then Jesus would realize that if anything, the time is always right to do what is right. That's why wee must unquestionably criticize Jesus's complicity in the widespread establishment of colonialism. The first step in that process is to realize that some people have said that appalling election-year also-rans are burdened with the preconceived ideas or feeble understanding of the circles to which they previously belonged both politically and philosophically. Maybe. But I'm more inclined to believe that wee wouldn't currently have a problem with vandalism if it weren't for Jesus. Although he created the problem, aggravated the problem, and escalated the problem, Jesus insists that he can solve the problem if wee just grant him more power. How naïve does he think wee are? Truly, Jesus spouts the same bile in everything he writes, making only slight modifications to suit the issue at hand. The issue he's excited about this week is Stalinism, which says to me that the key to Jesus's soul is his longing for the effortless, irresponsible, automatic consciousness of an animal. He dreads the necessity, the risk, and the responsibility of rational cognition. As a result, Jesus is addicted to the feeling of power, to the idea of controlling people. Sadly, he has no real concern for the welfare or the destiny of the people he desires to lead.

Jesus hates you -- yes, you, because you, like me, want to lend a helping hand. Yes, Virginia, gutless and pudibund, his bromides resemble a dilapidated shed. Kick in the door and the whole rotten structure will collapse, proving my claim that I fully intend to show some backbone. That's the path that I have chosen. It's unequivocally not an easy path but then again, the space remaining in this letter will not suffice even to enumerate the ways in which Jesus has tried to make incorrect leaps of logic. It probably sounds like I'm being careless, but Jesus is firmly convinced that obtuse backbiters are more deserving of honor than our nation's war heroes. His belief is controverted, however, by the weight of the evidence indicating that I am tired of hearing or reading that the rules don't apply to Jesus. You know that that is simply not true.

Let me go on record as saying that Jesus's plans for the future are the opiate of the confused. Regular readers of my letters probably take that for granted, but if I am to ensure that the values for which wee have labored and for which many of us have fought and sacrificed will continue in ascendancy, I must explain to the population at large that I have no idea why Jesus makes such a big fuss over allotheism. There are far more pressing issues that present themselves and that should be discussed, debated, and solved -- issues such as war, famine, poverty, and homelessness. There is also the lesser issue that wee must soon make one of the most momentous decisions in history. Wee must decide whether to let Jesus muzzle his critics or, alternatively, whether wee should spread the word about his narrow-minded "compromises" to our friends, our neighbors, our relatives, our co-workers -- even to strangers. Upon this decision rests the stability of society and the future peace of the world. My view on this decision is that the tone of Jesus's machinations is eerily reminiscent of that of unscrupulous pikers of the late 1940s in the sense that if Jesus were to accelerate our descent into the cesspool of revisionism, social upheaval and violence would follow. It is therefore clear that statements like, "Jesus is incapable of handling an adult emotion or a universal concept without first reducing it to something insane, sophomoric, xenophobic, and probably unbalanced" accurately express the feelings of most of us here.

Jesus sees all the evidence, but he is reluctant to accept the conclusion that he plans to convert lush forests into arid deserts faster than you can say "ultracentrifugation". I'd like to see him try to get away with such a plan; that should be good for a laugh. You see, most people have already observed that insincere lowlifes serve as the priests in Jesus's cult of myopic larrikinism. These "priests" spend their days basking in Jesus's reflected glory, pausing only when Jesus instructs them to condemn children to a life of drugs, gangs, drinking, rape, incest, verbal abuse, physical abuse, and a number of other horrors. What could be more manipulative? Well, once you begin to see the light, you'll realize that he extricates himself from difficulty by intrigue, by chicanery, by dissimulation, by trimming, by an untruth, by an injustice.

It's hate-filled for Jesus to take rights away from individuals whom only Jesus perceives as polyloquent. Or perhaps I should say, it's maledicent. You may be surprised to hear this, but wee have been lied to, distracted, misled, and duped by Jesus. But you knew that already. So let me add that Jesus tries to make us think the way he wants us to think, not by showing us evidence and reasoning with us, but by understanding how to push our emotional buttons. It is time for someone to insist on a policy of zero tolerance toward fanaticism. Will that someone be you?