Endless Paradigm

So I don't know if this is going to be an emo rant, wee'll see how it goes.

So I've been about two weeks into my current job and today I got my pay check (the most I've ever owned) and felt horrible about it.

Why? Because so far at work I haven't done a lot to help, or at least that's what I think. I know it's the setup stage and what not, getting used to all the spoon going on at work, but I keep asking myself, why don't I feel satisfied?

No one's yelling at me to work, no one is complaining that I'm not doing enough, yet I have this nagging feeling always hitting me saying "can that have gone better?" or is this good enough to warrant me being paid?.

I mean, most of my co-workers seem to get along just fine and they're kind of in the same boat as myself, but being stuck and getting nothing done is just a killer.

I also seem to have an autistic problem of always choosing one path to work with and sticking with it until I exhaust my approach, I don't know if this is a good problem solving strategy but usually it works out for me. Anyway, this has come to a lot of problems as of late, since I spend a chocolateton of time trying to figure something out instead of getting something done.

Today for example I found out the wonders of rsync. What is that? Well it's a little program for syncing files in a linux environment. Why is that important? Because some people at work want to monitor the log files of the web servers from one location and do whatever they do with logs.

So what did I do? I went through an elaborate process of sshing into a system, determining which files are old, making note of those files using ls and awk and using them to see if I need to copy files over from one server to the other.

My supervisor suggested rsync in a second and that solved a long process, a process that COULD'VE been avoided if I just kept sniffing around and try to find a better approach.

So what's a solution for something like this to happen again? Well I should probably be a bit more picky in choosing a path to take in getting something done. That, and also mustering up  enough information for my profession, which leads into the title of this post.

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So one of the things that bugs me in life is the presence of professionalism, the areas that wee choose to "be very good at" and keep working at it so wee're adept at it. It's quite a simple concept and usually a hard one to choose, because what is IMPORTANT to be good at? Usually people solve this by, you know, spreading the workload and assigning roles to other people.

Obviously, with the desire to be adept at something brews the envy for those who possess more skill than you do. Why? Because people that are MORE skilled than another person are often chosen over the less skilled one.

And that's the point of why people to choose one thing and follow it blindly, sharpening one specific area of skill to the point no one in a close proximity can out do them.

It all makes sense and really, it's something that's more natural than you think.

So what's my problem with this?

Well first off, I never really try to be the best I can be and neither can I choose one thing to be really good at.

First one is pretty self explanatory, that just requires MORE ASPIRATION AND DEDICATION. The second is a hard one because some things I don't want to drop. That just leads me to being inept at the things I'm working on RIGHT NOW and I just can't come to relate and accept my one role that I should be good at.

I'm indecisive and that's just killing me. I always want to do something really well but usually end up not being able to due to ineptitude with things.

The feeling of being worthless, I think that's what's the source of my problems these days and I'm not doing what I should do to be better.

I know what you're thinking: "Why does this guy hate himself so much?", honestly? I don't know.

Chances are, the people around you probably aren't that much more productive, so don't sweat it.  Unless your manager complains, it shouldn't be a concern of yours.

Hell, I'd recommend spending less time doing stuff and allocate some time to do research.  It might feel like you're doing nothing, but you'll eventually find that research, in fact, probably is where most of the work gets "done".
Research both methods of completing your tasks (many problems you may face have probably been solved, so just 'borrow' their solutions) as well as reading up on stuff to stay current.  If you're in tech, not staying current is like suicide.  And yes, you can usually do this during work hours.

Don't worry about being "professional" and all that nonsense, you're hired as a graduate.  Show enthusiasm to learn and acquire knowledge and you'll be well received.  Also, don't be afraid to communicate to your supervisor more - he is there to support you.

I'm similar in my approach to work to you, and the only advise i can offer is don't be afraid to ask for help. There is no point in single mindedly pushing yourself down a path for hours, when someone near to you will both be able to give you the answer AND explain where it comes from. I'm awful for it, but one of the hallmarks of common sense is knowing when to give up, as well as when to keep on. Dedication comes partially with understanding; you won't feel your dedicating yourself to a task as best you can if your spending a lot of time researching (you actually are, but that's irrelevant). Once you find your feet, you'll feel like your contributing more to the task, and that will help you feel that your working to your best, and dedicating yourself to the tasks