Endless Paradigm

Sometimes I find myself lying there at night, thinking about the world in all it's wonder. I think about the future and where I fit into it, and I find I don't fit into it. I don't want to fit into it.

I look at the world and everyone is the same. Nobody is individual. There are rules and standards set by our society and everyone just seems to sit there and follow. I will never be able to dress how I want, and I will never be able to be who I want. Not while being accepted as an employee of any place I know and being able to sustain myself.

And when I think that I could go to work, and dress how I wanted in my free time or at home, I see no point. Anything that doesn't seem integrated into my daily routine seems menial and worthless. As a kid it seemed fun, but now as an adult it seems like anything without a purpose is simply retarded...

A long time ago as a kid I loved to build things, and always thought that I would be a mechanical engineer. I loved to build spoon and that's what a mechanical engineer does... but now I sit and think and I wonder why I want to be an engineer. I wonder what I want to be, or why I want to be anything. I consider video games I've played, and jobs or roles that I think would be great but in the end I realize these types of jobs don't exist.

Maybe I should just suck it up like everyone else, maybe I should just end my life and save myself the time. Maybe I'm just a lazy loser who wants to be selfish and refuses to work with the system. I don't know...

When I lie here and think sometimes, I wonder why I'm alive, and wonder more importantly why I'm not dead.
But when I go to talk to people about it, it's like everyone seems fine and I realize I'm alive, and I'm stupid for thinking such things. I'm still here, I'm still living, why worry about it. Someone will make a joke and I'll laugh about it, or if I'm not talking to people I'll occupy myself with other things. I'll be playing a video game or something.

In the end, I don't know what I'm doing with my life.
I don't know if anyone reading this cares (even if you pretend to care, thank you for at least putting on the mask)

I don't think I should be left alone to think.
I live my life as a puppet wearing all the right masks at all the right times.
When I think of who I really want to be and think of trying to be it, I become scared of what society will think... (or wonder why I would bother trying to be that in the first place)
^ I feel trapped
^ I feel depressed and look for an escape
^ I consider suicide...
(I think)

I can't change the world (can I?, and I copping out and being a coward?)
The whole world can't be broken, I must be dysfunctional (logic certainly applies here... nobody else is having this problem. Everyone else seems fine with the world, why do I want to change it. Why do I hate it... I just find it so boring, I just can't stand it)

I don't know what to think anymore
or what to type anymore
I don't know if I feel better
I don't know if I feel worse

No false god will save me, I do not believe in such things and the ignorance he provides will not save me
I don't believe in drugs or alcohol, I refuse to use substances of any kind
I don't even enjoy parties because I find large groups of people obnoxious annoying and meaningless

I think the only choice I have to deal with life is to drown out my thoughts with menial behavior such as video games and just not think about it...

that's all I can think to type...
I understand nobody has to care
especially about someone who is probably such a lazy, loser like myself
but I'm rather curious if anyone else, has or does feel this way...

Life is full of ups and downs.
It is full of fun times and bad times.


when you're a kid you are having the time of your life but now that your an adult, you have to accept the challenges of life.
you are an adult now, it's time to put those away and think positively on how are you gonna face those challenges.
no need for suicide, cause life is short and you don't want to waste it.

Go out there and face your challenges like hero!
Remember this are just challenges of life, if you succeed then you are victorious in life.
but if you fail, Then there is always next time.


Keep moving forward and not stay there like a bum!
Go on and do what you want to do!
And remember, there is always someone who loves you and will support you ti'll the very end.


Goodluck,

Your not alone

You're not alone.
I can't say much, other than "don't suicide", really; for obvious reasons, and that being dead is not terribly helpful to anyone, most of all oneself.

To live is to experience. And if every experience was amazing, wee'd get sick of it really fast; just like bacon.

I can't really say much, except I feel the same sometimes :/

i am the complete opposite, i love life (although it may not seem that way sometimes) and hate the thought that there is nothing after life, so with that thought in my head, i try to live every moment of my life

Ive never once thought about killing myself, I suck it up and move on >.<

What's with all the depressing stuff on EP?

Anyways, Suicide is not the way to go. Think about all your loved ones who would mourn after you!

Anyways, praying for you slush.

-God bless you.

The longer it goes on for the greater it becomes your responsibility.

That is, you being in the position you're in.

You can seek refuge in sympathy but ultimately your issues can only be recovered by your own desire to do so - and judging from the way you've been and the way you are, at least around here and others, I question whether you do really care about yourself and that makes the whole thing pretty ironic because you almost sound worried about yourself... even if it's not intentional.

Frankly, the death of enthusiasm and root to your over-contemplation has probably spawned from an inability to enjoy your own life to an extent that makes it seem worthwhile.

Only you can cure that and you are capable of doing so - so you can make your "feelings" known in as many paragraphs as you like, but it sounds like you need to spend your time on something other than nothing.

<3 ryan don't die.