Endless Paradigm

Id' just like to say that if you don't want to get pissed at the pathetic guy, then exit this thread now.

sigh...

I don't know ep. sometimes im so happy, im high on life, you know what i mean? and then theres days like this...

Im talking to that fudgeing girl for like 6 hours yesterday, you know just bullchocolate-ing, and were talking about some seriously depressing spoon. so i was complaining to her and she was complaining to me...

Then i guess she tried to prove a point about my depression. she starts going on about how shes been so down the last month and contemplating suicide, and then shes like "you don't think ill do it?" and spoon like that. i think she said she was pulling out my old razor or something.

I told her how i couldnt take it if she was to go, and how she makes my life worth living and stuff, but i couldnt really say any more. I don't think i ever really loved anyone like i love her. but i can't deal with spoon like this. theres only room for one extraordinarily depressed person. when she goes off like that, i don't know what to do. I want to tell her how i feel, how I probably couldnt go a day without there, without at least the thought of one day having her be mine. i remember how before, when i was cutting and really in a bad way, she would hold me and i would feel like everything was right with the world. I remember when ever anything would go wrong, she could take the pieces of my life and put them back together she was always down, but not like this. shes never threatened like this so seriously before.

I don't know what to do. I want her to be there for me, and i want to be there for her. but lately, after this spring, (when wee were gonna start dating, but shes got this douchebag boyfriend whos terrible for her) weve grown apart, but its still like wee talk all the time. I talked to her for the first time in over a month yesterday, and speaking with her still tears me up inside.

Im lost. Im confused. I don't get life, or even want to get it. Its a horrible thing for me (life), but shes the only thing that's ever given it a reason or purpose. I want to tell her how she makes me feel, how i sit and agonize waiting for every single text from her, how every word out of her mouth is like the most important thing ive ever heard, how when wee used to hold each other it was the first time i ever felt truly happy. But im scared of the implications of this too... Would i seem too forward? Is it creepy to care about someone else more than you care about yourself? I know she knows at least a bit of this, but not to the full extent.

What do i do? I can't take much more of this... I just want to finally feel like theres a reason to go on. Today, on the way to school from Union Station, i found myself dreaming about just jumping off the bridge into the Chicago River. Im being torn apart slowly by love, depression, stress, and anxiety.

Im so lost and so cold, for as long as ive been here, the ep community has been my anti-depressant, my best friend. but how sick is it that my best friend doesn't even know my name?

What's wrong with me? Am i the only one who gets like this?

Sods Law...as you fall from that bridge, youll remember a damn good reason why you shouldnt have jumped

Consider this, though. Everyone you love, everyone who loves you, everyone who you ever will ovoe, and everyone who ever will love you, will be denied thier chance at happiness, just because you denied your own chance at happiness


Don't take the world so seriously though...sometimes is better, easier, and more fun to just lie back and see where it takes you...it might be more fun that you thought it would be

yeah, i just needed to vent...

First of all, keep calm trademark.

Suicide will accomplish nothing. You'd have wasted your life away. You'll upset everyone whos ever cared about you - and that's something much worse than the "idea" of death - the consequences of your actions.

Just try to keep yourself together.

From you saying "I know she knows at least a bit of this, but not to the full extent." leads me to believe she would at least hear you out.. and if that's the least you can do.... then at least you won't regret it if its too late..... and you know deep inside you that's the very last thing you want to happen, and you know that you'll be able to save NOBODY if you were dead.

If your feelings for her are true, then you should know what the next step of action is in regard to her. I hope everything works out for the best, trademark, but the choice needs to be made, and don't leave it too late.

trademark91 Wrote:yeah, i just needed to vent...

i know, but ive had a few friends who contemplated suicide, and to me it seems like quite a selfish act, even if you the person it seems rather selfless, and its always good to be reminded i feel (no offense implied, obviously 3/4 people =/= a general rule)

roberth Wrote:

trademark91 Wrote:yeah, i just needed to vent...

i know, but ive had a few friends who contemplated suicide, and to me it seems like quite a selfish act, even if you the person it seems rather selfless, and its always good to be reminded i feel (no offense implied, obviously 3/4 people =/= a general rule)

true that. my friends brother killed himself. i remember how bad it hurt everyone around him. i would never go that far, i suppose im more using it to explain the trouble with the situation than to actually show a logical outcome. theres not really any benefit to that, cause if i was dead, then i wouldnt be around to see how it ends anyway, would i?

i would say, work your courage up to ask her, because it would make you feel whole again. in a relationship i had i felt amazing, unstoppable, on top of the world. every time i saw her i smiled and just thought, 'yes', i had the same worries you did before asking her, 'does she like me like that?' 'am i attractive enough?' 'do i annoy her?' etc.. If you're as close as you say you are to this person there is no reason why you shouldnt try your luck, because she trusts and knows you well enough to talk about virtually anything.

but id say, choose your words carefully, you don't want the implication that if she says no you don't want to hear about her anymore. Quite the opposite. Just don't let things get on top of you ;)

lol, and what about her boyfriend lol. that was the problem before, and it still hasn't gone away...

trademark91 Wrote:lol, and what about her boyfriend lol. that was the problem before, and it still hasn't gone away...

True, but if its doing this to you, then you need to tell her, regardless

i suppose... lol its all good. shes gonna come and visit me on campus soon. ill tell here then. *wish me luck*