14/12/2008, 04:07 PM
MY FACE IS ON FIREEEEEEEEEEE
It all started when our (former hershey kisses) star, The Genitalila Induldger, woke up in a magical cornfield. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling abundantly concerned, The Genitalila Induldger slapped a dull pencil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). As if it really mattered he realized that his beloved ladder was missing! Immediately he called his fundamentalist, guilt-dispensing friend, Some Generic Gay Lover Person. The Genitalila Induldger had known Some Generic Gay Lover Person for (plus or minus) half a million years, the majority of which were exotic ones. Some Generic Gay Lover Person was unique. He was smart though sometimes a little... stupid. The Genitalila Induldger called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.
Some Generic Gay Lover Person picked up to a very unctuous The Genitalila Induldger. Some Generic Gay Lover Person calmly assured him that most South American hissing sloths sneeze before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually earnestly turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting The Genitalila Induldger. Why was Some Generic Gay Lover Person trying to distract The Genitalila Induldger? Because he had snuck out from The Genitalila Induldger's with the ladder only nine days prior. It was a eccentric little ladder... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before The Genitalila Induldger got back to the subject at hand: his ladder. Some Generic Gay Lover Person sneezed. Relunctantly, Some Generic Gay Lover Person invited him over, assuring him they'd find the ladder. The Genitalila Induldger grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Some Generic Gay Lover Person realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the ladder and he had to do it randomly. He figured that if The Genitalila Induldger took the curb-jumping ghetto sled (Impala), he had take at least eight minutes before The Genitalila Induldger would get there. But if he took the table? Then Some Generic Gay Lover Person would be excessively screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Some Generic Gay Lover Person was interrupted by ten oafish raucous chimpanzees that were lured by his ladder. Some Generic Gay Lover Person panicked; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling worried, he aptly reached for his banana and randomly backhanded every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the fanstic pumpkin patch, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the table rolling up. It was The Genitalila Induldger.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Big Lots to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a apt leap, The Genitalila Induldger was out of the table and went surreptitiously jaunting toward Some Generic Gay Lover Person's front door. Meanwhile inside, Some Generic Gay Lover Person was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the ladder into a box of wolverines and then slid the box behind his elephant. Some Generic Gay Lover Person was frustrated but at least the ladder was concealed. The doorbell rang.
'Come in,' Some Generic Gay Lover Person wildly purred. With a hasty push, The Genitalila Induldger opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some clueless flaming idiot in a time machine,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Some Generic Gay Lover Person assured him. The Genitalila Induldger took a seat excruciatingly close to where Some Generic Gay Lover Person had hidden the ladder. Some Generic Gay Lover Person shuddered trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But The Genitalila Induldger was distracted. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Some Generic Gay Lover Person noticed a pestering look on The Genitalila Induldger's face. The Genitalila Induldger slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Some Generic Gay Lover Person felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when The Genitalila Induldger asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the ladder right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A stupid look started to form on The Genitalila Induldger's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's ninja stars from when she used to have pet long-haired sea monkeys. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. The Genitalila Induldger nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Some Generic Gay Lover Person could react, The Genitalila Induldger aimlessly lunged toward the box and opened it. The ladder was plainly in view.
The Genitalila Induldger stared at Some Generic Gay Lover Person for what what must've been four minutes. Suddenly inspired by the wise teachings of Confuscious, Some Generic Gay Lover Person groped flamboyantly in The Genitalila Induldger's direction, clearly desperate. The Genitalila Induldger grabbed the ladder and bolted for the door. It was locked. Some Generic Gay Lover Person let out a saucy chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, The Genitalila Induldger,' he rebuked. Some Generic Gay Lover Person always had been a little selfish, so The Genitalila Induldger knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Some Generic Gay Lover Person did something crazy, like... start chucking bananas at him or something. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he gripped his ladder tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.
Some Generic Gay Lover Person looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from The Genitalila Induldger. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame five days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for The Genitalila Induldger. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Some Generic Gay Lover Person walked over to the window and looked down. The Genitalila Induldger was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, The Genitalila Induldger was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Some Generic Gay Lover Person's place. The Genitalila Induldger had severely hurt his kidney during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral raucous chimpanzees suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the ladder. One by one they latched on to The Genitalila Induldger. Already weakened from his injury, The Genitalila Induldger yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of raucous chimpanzees running off with his ladder.
About eleven hours later, The Genitalila Induldger awoke, his ear throbbing. It was dark and The Genitalila Induldger did not know where he was. Deep in the mysterious imaginery desert, The Genitalila Induldger was exceedingly lost. Suddenly cheered up by the Hamtaro theme song, he remembered that his ladder was taken by the raucous chimpanzees. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen raucous chimpanzee emerged from the haunted thicket. It was the alpha raucous chimpanzee. The Genitalila Induldger opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the raucous chimpanzee sunk its teeth into The Genitalila Induldger's double chin. With a faint groan, the life escaped from The Genitalila Induldger's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.
Less than ten miles away, Some Generic Gay Lover Person was entombed by anguish over the loss of the ladder. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a inept thrust, he buried it deeply into his double chin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about The Genitalila Induldger... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the ladder that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant raucous chimpanzees, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(